A very interesting chart outlining stated and revealed preferences among men and women turned up on my X feed this morning.
It’s a shame that these were aggregated together among men and women rather than broken down. But I think actually what is most remarkable about it is how — for the most part — people were pretty consistent with what they wanted. Loyalty was stated as #1, and ended up being #2. Supportive was ranked at #3, and ended up at #3. Quarrelsome was ranked near the bottom at #33 (out of 35), and was revealed to be in practice in the exact same place. (The bible verse, “It is better to live on a rooftop than to share a house with a quarrelsome woman,” very much comes to mind right now).
But there were two categories of traits that ended up being much more desirable (especially it seems to men) than they revealed. Looks (“attractive” ranked #16, was #8; “sexy” ranked #19, was #6; “nice body” ranked #26, was #16), and most decisively, being a “good lover” — which went from #12 to #1.
This may have surprised some people but it didn’t surprise me. I’ve had enough experience with the male psyche to know that how a girl looks is basically 80% of what makes his determination about her. It matters substantially more than age and body count, two traits that guys talk a ton about mattering online, but in practice don’t make a difference (I wish the chart took these into consideration, but I guess these are different types of traits).
For example, a 35 year old guy will choose a 30 year old “8” with 10 more bodies over a 25 year old, less promiscuous “5” 99% of the time. Indeed, to the extent age in a woman really matters, it’s mostly a practical concern because most men want kids. I’ve worked with many guys who have enjoyed dating women over 35 who looked hot and younger, and would have probably stayed with them, but had to end it because they worried about their ability to have a family with her. In contrast, a woman could be any number of things — young, smart, caring — but until she crosses a guy’s looks threshold, it doesn’t matter what she does — she’s basically out of the running.
Except perhaps if she really knows how to fuck. This is something I haven’t talked much about; I guess I’ve overlooked it. But it tracks with my own experience both personally and professionally. There are a lot of things women can do to maximize their eligibility on the comfort side of attraction — being loyal, supportive, sweet — but outside of looking good, there is nothing a woman can do to improve her desirability… besides being good in bed.
I’d estimate that being good in bed can easily make up for 2, perhaps even 3 points of looks on the scale for women — depending on just how good. Sex is quicksand for guys, and a woman who enjoys having sex often and knows how to turn him on, can basically blind him to all other women. I know many guys will even keep seeing ugly girls who are good in bed — they might do it secretly on the side because they’re embarrassed — but they can’t stop thinking about her. Many men will upend their entire lives for some good pussy.
This is why, if you follow stereotypes, bad girls often beat out good girls in landing guys (keeping them is a different issue). It’s not any different than the corollary “nice guy” / “bad boy” paradigm the manosphere has been obsessed with for the better part of a decade. Being sexy and sexual is the ultimate 1-2 punch of desirability for a man. And it’s why most guys will forgo such a woman’s past whatever they claim — if the sex is good and they’re getting it, in the end they really don’t care. They aren’t any different than the women who say they “just want a guy who treats them right,” and then runs off with the hot asshole.
In some ways I imagine this is pretty demoralizing, especially if you are religious and understandably don’t want to be having casual sex to make these kind of determinations. But the good news is that you can get 90% of your feedback about whether a girl is “good in bed” by the flavor of your interactions with her with clothes on. A woman can convey her sexual energy to you without having sex with you; indeed, fast sex without a prior and proper “dance,” is often a sign a woman isn’t anything special down there. She’s cutting right to the act itself because she’s disconnected from the energy; she doesn’t grasp the real way you get a guy addicted to you is in the tension of the courtship, it’s in the passionate frustration — it’s in the foreplay.
But anyway, the point is that sex matters a lot more to guys than they care to admit. So if you’re a woman trying to land a man, your should probably keep this in mind. But also keep in mind the paradox about this — which is that while men want a very sexual woman, they want her to himself. Loyalty is ranked #2 for a reason; it’s the core requirement for trust, which is the backbone on the comfort side of attraction. This suggests that someone’s romantic past is mostly a problem insofar as it implies you can’t trust them because of it.
Yet I know, I know… it’s all well and good to talk about these traits in a scientific paper. But how do you weigh them in practice?
Well, that’s one of the reasons we have coaching. I can determine very quickly not only whether or not a woman is a keeper, but whether YOU are really into her. And believe it or not, both of these elements are essential if things are going to work out between you two. Just because she’s great on paper and you think you “should” want her because you’ve scarfed down a few years of red pill slop, it doesn’t mean in practice you actually do.
I can sniff out which hesitations about a woman you have are based on fear (which is your problem and must be overcome) and which are based on lack of desire (which means it’s not going to work). Which means I can help you actually end up with a woman you have a happy, healthy future with
So if you’re struggling to make a decision about sticking with a woman (or you’re perhaps in knots over a few of them), or find yourself constantly picking the wrong ones…
Choose to level up, and apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application – Pat
PS Some other interesting insights from the graph I wanted to mention:
People say they care a lot more about their partner being good listeners, patient, and calm much than they actually do in practice — each of these traits had an over 8 point gap. They nevertheless still weren’t ranked low, which tells me that the traits are still considered positively, but I think they’re pretty marginal; guys for instance might like this about their girl, but they didn’t pick her or stick with her because of it.
It’s also worth noting that people didn’t care as much about confidence as they said — #17 in theory to #26 in reality. From the male side I get this, because I think in practice confident women often come across as abrasive or argumentative, and for better or for worse, a man would rather have an insecure submissive girl than a confident and contentious one. But it’s definitely not intuitive that women would feel the same way about men, considering the assertive nature of masculinity in sexual polarity.
Most interesting to me, however, is that people care a lot more about a woman smelling good in reality than they think — this was ranked at #15, but ended up really being #4! I admit this fooled me too, not so much because it doesn’t make sense, but because it’s something so unconscious you don’t think much about it. As I reflect, there were a lot of women I never had any interest in, despite their invitations, because I thought they smelled weird. But I never thought of this as the reason; it always just seemed incidental. Maybe it wasn’t.
Finally, I’ll admit I never thought about disorganized / careless as a negative trait. That’s not because I don’t acknowledge it’s extremely unattractive, but it flew under my radar as something to think about when vetting. It was ranked as dead last at #35 and was revealed to be basically the same at #34. That means one of the least attractive things a woman can be is messy and reckless. This is of course true — I remember being completely grossed out seeing a girl’s apartment when there was hair and clothes everywhere — but I wonder if it’s the same degree for men. My guess is it still matters a lot for women, but not as much.
