The internet had mixed reactions to this tweet a few weeks back:

To be honest though, I was expecting more pushback than I got. So either this is more true than I realized, or people (for once on Twitter) were just being polite. I only got one comment telling me I sucked in bed!

I stand by what I said, of course. “Rough sex” — and by this I mean choking and slapping, and fucking a woman to the point of causing her pain — is overrated. Much of its appeal is porn programming, which is also responsible for it’s association with good sex to begin with. Most people do it as a performance more than anything else. And the women who actually enjoy it, enjoy it because it makes them feel degraded.

Many people nevertheless say this is “normal” sexuality for women, but I think we need to distinguish between normal and common. I agree it’s certainly not unusual today, but I wouldn’t say that this is a healthy thing. In spite of their “liberation,” given their rate of anti-depressant usage and collective hysteria, the self-esteem of women is lower than ever. It’s hardly surprising this attitude has trickled down into their sexual preferences.

But a lot of this was covered already, and I want to take this conversation a little deeper. First, because truthfully, there is natural variation when it comes to sexual preference – let’s not get confused by the extremes. Some women want sex slower and gentler typically; others harder and rougher. Just as we have our own distinct personality expression, we also have our distinct sexual expression. And while this is moulded by society to some extent, there is also an element of it that’s innate.

This is why people so often talk about “sexual chemistry.” Although I think with some competence in the bedroom, most people can learn to be in sync sexually with each other — unconscious sexual connection is absolutely, positively real. Indeed, it often gets people into a lot of trouble, because sometimes the person you have it with is bad for you in every other way.

But what exactly is “sexual chemistry?” I would say it simply means that you can feel fully expressed sexually with someone. You are less in your head trying to “figure things out;” you just connect naturally and automatically. Like two people in love might finish each other’s sentences, two people in sexual synch know exactly how to move and reciprocate with each other, often with minimal communication.

Related to this chemistry, however, is the fact that everyone have their own “sexual expression” — their own way of “doing it.” Which means that you have your own way of being good in bed. And it may not be the same way as somebody else.

Some guys are naturally very physical, aggressive, and dominant — and this usually reflects in the bedroom. Most girls like this, and some girls are going to like it even more than others. But the corollary to this is that some girls are only going to like this kind of sex from these guys. They will only like this kind of sex when it’s congruent with the guy who is doing it.

Let me give you an obvious example of this. Jason Strahan looks like a very rough, violent man. It’s my guess that women will expect him to be very physical in the bedroom — and that they will enjoy this treatment from him. Indeed, it’s also my guess that a lot of women who would normally not like rough sex, would still appreciate rough sex from him! He appears and acts a certain way, and so it feels natural. Especially in the context of a casual encounter, which places him in the realm of “bad boy” fantasy.

But a man who doesn’t embody this archetype might have a harder time, well, going harder in a way that is persuasive or satisfying for a woman. Women who like this type of sex might still want it. Yet women less inclined towards it won’t. It doesn’t feel right coming from him.

You see related commentary to this a lot on the internet — how women only want to fuck a certain type of guy, and maybe you’re not him. It’s not entirely incorrect. But it also misleads men into thinking that they are precluded from being good at sex unless they are the super rough, physical, type of man. This isn’t true, in the same way that it isn’t true the only way to get a girl is to steamroll her with your masculine assertiveness. Some girls like this, but others need a lighter touch — literally. Many men do better getting women by seducing them or becoming in tune with their emotions and desires. And the same variation applies sexually.

Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s good to have a wide, sexual vocabulary. And I think bringing passion and assertiveness into the bedroom are necessary if you want to be truly good in bed. It’s also very smart to get fit and toned; not only are you more attractive naked, but it’s more appealing for a rough man to act gentle, than it is for a gentle man to act rough.

But what I am trying to hammer home here is that the way you have good sex is not going to be 100% analogous for other couples – partly because of who you are and what you want, partly because of who your woman is and what she wants, and partly because of the dynamic that emerges naturally between the two of you. Being a rough and aggressive (in a healthy, non-affected sense) may make you good in bed… but so might other styles. In other words, if you are a more romantic, her-pleasure oriented lover, you are also capable of making your woman very sexually happy. And depending on the woman, perhaps more happy than if you just fucked her rough.

The manosphere doesn’t want to acknowledge this stuff because they see this as a slippery slope to becoming a beta. I get the concern – we certainly don’t want to lose the plot about what makes a man attractive in the nuance. But I think at a certain point you also need to stop being retarded and understand that if you’re able to make your woman cum hard, consistently, and often multiple times — you are good in bed, and she is not going to be looking for other lovers besides you. And if you give her this experience in a less rough way, sometimes through foreplay, or more gentle, in-tuned thrusts or pelvic grinding instead of pounding away like an “alpha” – that’s perfectly OK. That may be what she prefers. But crucially, it may also be where your own sexual strengths lie, and you should lean into that rather than pretend to be somebody else.

Sexual mastery requires control over mind, emotions, and body. It will take you years, if not a lifetime to truly develop your expertise. Even with the same woman, if you are curious, you will continue to find more layers. A woman’s body is an infinite mystery to explore.

But a major part of developing this expertise is understanding not only your woman, but yourself. It’s accepting yourself, and allowing your own sexual expression to come through. Because ultimately, it’s this self-confidence in what you have to offer that makes you most attractive to a woman. And it’s what paradoxically allows you to become a more encompassing lover, capable of sex you never thought you had in you.

I have always understood the importance of sex when it comes to attraction. How could I not — sex is the end point of attraction, to ignore it is to dance on the surface of what is really going on between a man and a woman.

But as the years have gone on, it’s in sex that I find most of the new gold when it comes to women. Because it’s here that the substrate of a dynamic exists. When the sex in a relationship is off, the foundation is fragile; when it is humming, it is resilient.

Which is why if you feel like your sex life is stagnant — as a single guy, but particularly in a marriage or serious relationship — I’d encourage you to reach out for coaching.

Knowing not simply what to do, but allowing yourself to pursue your own desires is crucial if you want to fix a dead-bedroom or otherwise moribund sex life. But you have to face your fears of rejection and let go of the need to perform in order to do this. You have to overcome your shame.

I’ve done this with scores of clients at this point, leading to not only the end of performance related issues, but completely revitalized relationships. Wives who weren’t interested in sex now initiating.

And I can do it with you too.