Had a convo with a client the other day, who had a common yet often confusing problem on a date.
All was going well with the girl. They had already kissed; indeed, this was date #2. Conversation was dynamic, and when he invited her back to his place for a drink on the roof, she accepted.
Game on, right?
You would think so in most cases. But what became apparent on the date was that the girl was very stiff. Not super comfortable. He kissed her to test the waters, and while she liked it, she was still very closed off. He continued trying to escalate over the next couple of hours, to minimal success, and the girl was not keen on date #3.
Understandably he was confused by what had transpired. The date had gone well, and the girl was willing to come to his apartment and was attracted enough to kiss him, and had made numerous comments complimenting him and his place. Why was she closed off, and why didn’t she want a third date?
What I told him is something I try to remind guys of often: desire is NOT the only variable in attraction. You must also address comfort. And comfort — or rather, a lack thereof — was exactly what was missing here.
This came about due to a couple of different variables.
First, my client has high preselection — he’s handsome, has a great pad, and is fairly well off. This girl was attractive, but not a bombshell. There was a value-imbalance, that made her desire him, but feel less sure of herself.
Second, this girl comes from a more conservative background, and likely had some misgivings about casual sex… especially with a guy who she didn’t feel wanted a relationship with her.
Which is why I told my client, rather than persist with the girl that night, he should have have called out what was going on and ended the date right there. “I think we should call it a night, you seem pressured and I don’t want to make you do anything you don’t want to. It was a great date and I’d love to see you again.”
Some variation of this comment would have totally flipped her growing mindset of mistrust. She was expecting he would push forward, and was worried she was going to be used and would end up regretting it. This “tactical retreat” would totally throw her off and make her feel safe and understood. If he had done this, there would be a third date, and it’s highly likely on it he would get laid.
Of course, this isn’t the only way you’d have to proceed given the information. PUAs who care more about closing than dates have their approach to deal with these comfort issues. Pushing forward… then abruptly getting up and “making a drink” before her resistance kicks in. Throwing off her own defenses as to your intentions. Taking their dick out, rather than escalate on her. There is a whole tool kit for overcoming “last minute resistance” — if you care about this, you can find the info out there.
But personally, I am not a fan of pushing too far in this direction. Regret isn’t rape, but blurred lines are dangerous and don’t feel good for either party. Guys should remember they will hook women far more strongly over the long term if they are willing to be slower (as needed) at the outset.
But the point of the email isn’t these details, it’s the core point that seems so elusive in the red pill community:
It’s not all about desire when it comes to women.
Many attractive, successful guys struggle with women because they are brainwashed into believing they can’t provide comfort. Whereas in reality it is THESE guys who are the ones who should be offering comfort the most! They are already desirable, their aloofness and lack of sensitivity to her own insecurities only mean they blow leads that are in their hands.
Case in point:
Anyway, the good news?
I am VERY very good at breaking down this programming in men. And showing them how to calibrate their interactions with women better based on what they bring to the table.
If you need help in this department, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
