A term that is perhaps less common these days (yet nevertheless persists) is the “tomboy” — aka the girl who is “one of the guys.”

Part of the reason we hear about less about these types of women in “the current year” is because many these days are encouraged to identify as lesbian or “non-binary.”

But in reality most are neither of these things, and never have been. They are attracted to men; they simply enjoy spending time with them than women.

Tomboys tend to associate with men more than women for a couple of reasons.

The first reason is nature: they are either more mechanical or logical in their disposition, and so find more enjoyment doing things that boys tend to do. They don’t “get” girls and their cliquishness, but like guys and their sense of humor.

The second reason is nurture: they found themselves around a lot of boys growing up — brothers, cousins, neighborhood kids — and so spent a lot of time doing things that guys liked, because that was what “everybody” did. This applies to a lesser extent also to fathers — a girl might learn to do what her dad does just to spend time with him, and come to enjoy it.

At any rate, Tomboys are interesting in that they are women who have been heavily exposed to the masculine, and have internalized it to some extent on their own. As these girls grow up, they tend to have a fierceness and independence to them, and a strong sense of their own identity and self-worth. And they also tend to understand and support men as a result. Rarely are these women feminists, even though they ironically epitomize what feminists long to be; they have too much affinity for men to hate them.

So you might think — maybe you want a tomboy? And truth be told, there is a lot about them to write home about. They tend to be dependable, fun, and aren’t the type of women to drain your energy.

But they have their downsides. As a result of spending so much time with the guys, they usually lose their “feminine mystique.” They are too close to men, and so paradoxically miss what men are looking for from a woman: contrast. Even when physically attractive, these girls tend to wear their makeup and clothes awkwardly. They are less graceful and more crass. And while supportive, tend to struggle much more after the honeymoon phase with surrender — they are used to competing with men. Their ability to banter might be fun at first, but becomes argumentative over time.

So are “tomboys” high quality women, or not?

Well frankly it’s a pretty erroneous question.

Some tomboys are “good girls” and have crushes on their guy friends that tend to go unrequited; others are sluts who tend to get plowed by every guy in the group at one point or another. In other words, being a tomboy has nothing to do with quality, it has to do with the balance of independence/masculinity and dependence/femininity in a girl.

A lot of guys are going to be drawn to your standard feminine girl because she is so different from him and difficult to understand. They like the built in polarity. Obviously makes perfect sense and you will get no argument from me.

But I will say that you might not want to overlook an attractive “tomboy” if you are looking for something serious. Because where these women *tend* to fail the most as women is in being able to seduce a man. In other words: they have poor game. Yet because they are not used to game, they tend to be more genuine. Which means you have a more solid foundation to build a connection from. And there is something to be said for being with a woman you can trust and depend on.

So do I recommend dating them over “regular women?”

No. Polarity if the lifeblood of desirability, and while you can certainly bring out more femininity from a “tomboy,” you might prefer to have that built in from the start.

What I’m more saying here is don’t dis-recommend them. Some guys are going to be more drawn to them, and they shouldn’t feel weird about that. Depending on the degree of a woman’s “tomboyishness” (the devil is EXTREMELY in the details here) it might be worth giving them a chance.

And if you are looking for someone to really help you assess those details? If you struggle to discern which girls are good for you, and which ones are simply settling?

You should probably work with me.

Your bad taste in women is a product of unconscious sabotage. The problem is not simply your awareness about women, but about yourself.

But the good news?

I correct BOTH of these deficiencies. So you can get out of your own way… and date the women who are good for YOU.

Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application

– Pat