A reader writes in:
Let’s say the situation is this: a man and a woman who were in a 2-3 years LTR break up (let’s say the decision came from the man, but it doesn’t change the question if it were the other way around), and then spent 1 or 2 months single, with basically no direct contact.
At some point, for XYZ reasons, they decide to give it another chance.
How to handle the “grey zone” of celibacy? Meaning, how would you handle the trust issues, the potential dates/hook ups that may or may not have happened inbetween? Would you ask questions about it? Would you just say “I don’t know what happended and I’m not asking you. But I will not talk to them anymore and I expect you do the same. I trust you” ?
What would be the good compromise between emotional maturity, “clean new state” (=trust) and knowing what you’ll have to deal with/ handle potential flings, orbiters and casual hookups who are now “friends” that can keep chatting with her/him eventhough you’ve decided to rekindle things?
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The short answer to this question might not be one the reader was looking for. But this is exhibit A why you don’t break up unless you are REALLY serious about it.
99% of the time when a couple goes on a “break” (or if they break up for a short amount of time) one of the parties is going to hook up with someone else.
So if your relationship had problems already, splitting up and getting back together is a great sign way to make things even worse.
Yes, there are best practices tactically to handle these situations.
But is it realistic that a couple who broke up and got back together a month later has the emotional maturity not to create huge amounts of drama?
Nevertheless, I will indulge.
If neither side wants to ask the other, that works. But this is rare, and doesn’t last. Personally I think honesty *without details* is the best policy.
If you hooked up with someone, admit to it. But unless it is a relevant person you both know (might as well call it in, now you’ve really fucked things up), don’t say anything about who it is. Just agree that you will unfollow them on social media and not contact them anymore.
If your woman demands details (who was it, what does she look like, what did you guys do) then you might as well give up on the relationship, because it’s only a matter of time before it falls apart. She’s going to obsessively scan that woman’s social media and likely grill you on how much you care about her. You know at this point her priority is not having a healthy relationship — it’s drama. Information about what you guys did together will not help her “move on” regardless of what she says — it will do the opposite.
Obviously all this applies in reverse too. But if your girl broke up with you, fucked some guys, asked to get back together — and you accepted — you are basically a cuck. I might have to come to your house and slap you in the face to bring you to your senses.
These situations usually work best when both parties slept around in the meantime (obviously it’s ideal when neither did, but in 2022 this is The Prisoner’s Dilemma; let’s be realistic here). So to a certain extent if you did, you should hope she did as well. Otherwise she is likely going to want to retaliate later.
The sad truth is that the prognosis for these types of relationships is extremely low. Not only because the increasing amounts of baggage, but because the parties haven’t fixed their destructive pattern. A year is the absolute minimum you can actually expect someone has changed; realistically more like 5.
The only exception to all of this?
Working with a coach.
Such as yours truly.
Because when you go back into the relationship, now you will have someone who will tell you what to do differently (so you don’t follow your destructive emotional impulse), but will show you WHY you have that impulse to begin with.
So you’re able to not only maximize your chances of changing your relationship patterns with her… but you’re guaranteeing you’ll shift them later with another woman.
In other words, you are setting yourself up for a win-win whatever happens.
Rather than what most guys get, which is a lose-lose (you lose the girl you love, and you make the exact same mistakes again with the new one).
The choice is yours.
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
PS Check out my testimonials here and on twitter.
PPS Review this blog post to figure out if you and I are a good fit.
