The 5 Types of Guys I Work With
Unsurprisingly for a dating and relationship coach, I’m frequently asked “what sort of stuff do you work on with clients?”
To my embarrassment, I am usually pretty poor at answering this question.
In most professions these days, you are essentially a specialist. And this is no different with 90% of dating & relationship coaches. You have guys who know how to cold approach… and that is what they do: teach guys to cold approach. You have guys who specialize in re-igniting the spark in marriages… and that is what they do: teach husbands to bring passion back to their marriages.
You have guys who show you how to run a rotation, or who show you how to meet women online, or who help you through a divorce. You have guys who deal with emotional trauma and attachment issues. You have guys who teach you how to be better in bed. You have guys who solve dead bedrooms. You have guys who show you how to be more masculine. You have guys who teach you how to develop a lifestyle so women will be attracted to you naturally.
Most coaches teach one of these things. Some two or three. Almost nobody covers nearly all these topic areas and more in depth.
Which presents me with both an advantage and a disadvantage.
The advantage is that I have the expertise to help you succeed across your entire romantic lifecycle. In other words, from first contact through breakup.
That means guys who came to me to solve dating issues, when they meet a great girl also have access to my expertise in building that relationship — navigating the transition out of dating. Or conversely, a guy who comes to me as his marriage is ending has my help in trying to save it, but if things are too far gone to work, also has my help in processing and getting back out there — navigating the transition back into the dating market.
It’s for this reason I have been called “a coach for all seasons.”
But the disadvantage is that it is fairly difficult to convey this in messaging. Good marketing is clean and simple. “Full on transformation” sounds wishy-washy, and offering too many possible deliverables sounds unfocused. What you need is to find a pain point guys have, and either deliver directly on it, or tie what you can do to it.
For instance, if you suck with women, it’s because “you can’t approach,” or because “you suck in bed,” or because “you have emotional issues.” “If you haven’t resolved X you can’t get what you want, so work with me and I will get you what you want.”
The problem of course is what you think you want is not always what you actually want.
You may want to be a “master” at picking up women because you struggle with validation issues. But then once that becomes acknowledged, your objectives change.
Or you may want to change the way your wife treats you, without fully internalizing it is more about your own behavior and how you treat yourself that’s the real issue.
This sort of change is difficult to sell, as this sort of paradigm shift is by definition an unconscious motivation. And so you need to lay bait for the man’s conscious mind to “fix his problem with women,” while his unconscious mind is really there to transform *him* entirely. Women are simply the vector.
Nevertheless, in order to bring out this unconscious change, I need to first pace the conscious mind’s concerns.
I need to address the guy’s problems with women, and offer concrete solutions.
So with that said, here are the 5 primary types of guys I work with:
Guy #1: Can’t Attract Women
This is a classic kind of guy people think about when it comes to dating coaching. These are the guys I play a “hitch”-esq role with.
While there are different sub-types of these guys — some are virgins, others have gotten girls but inconsistently, others (usually the more fit ones) get girls regularly but only when the girl pursues him — each of them has the same fundamental problem: they lack the ability to create attraction consciously.
As with all clients, I start my time with these men on a 3 hour deep dive call, where we go into their full life story, focusing on their childhood family dynamics and past history with women.
This is an intense, thorough call, and to my knowledge no other coaches do this. Most guys have never experienced something like this before, including those who have done therapy for years.
On this call we uncover deep-seated patterns and roots of anxiety which has stopped them from feeling confident in putting themselves out there. We then deconstruct these beliefs and set the foundation for a whole new way of interacting with women and perceiving themselves. By the end of the call they will see their entire life in a different light.
Then on subsequent calls we get practical. Based on the guy’s personal inclinations, we lean into 2-3 of the 5 key areas to meeting women: day game, night game, online dating, social media, and social circle game. In the first month we will meet 3-4 times — either in four 30 minute calls or in one 60 and two 30 minute ones.
The objective in this initial month is to get them out there and to FAIL. While I provide guidance on how to go out and execute in these “dating domains,” most of the details for this can be found in modules 3-4 of the masterclass which they are required to go through. What is most important on our calls is that we have situations to go over. I want them to build their profiles and social media, get out in social situations to connect with people, and most importantly talk to girls so we can debrief.
This debriefing is where the real value of coaching comes in. I breakdown EVERYTHING they are doing right and wrong, and since the guy is out there feeling his failure with women he actually learns. It is not theoretical anymore. It gets internalized. The more he goes out there, the more scenarios he brings back to me, the faster he learns.
After the first month, our pace will usually slow down to 2-3 times per month. After the third month, we usually slow down again to 1-2 times per month until the client achieves enough competence he begins to develop “high quality problems” aka graduates to the next tier.
Truly determined guys will go from being disasters with women to dating attractive girls in 3 months or less. As I write this in December there are two such clients I am working with who have achieved this. One is more conservative and does not want to have sex before marriage, but is currently dating a girl who is likely going to be “the one.” We started work in August. Another is dating multiple women and is indistinguishable from a natural now, despite him being a 30+ year old virgin when we began in January.
But I do not guarantee these results for the simple reason that not every client puts in this much work. These guys have gone through the masterclass twice and made sure to book calls regularly in the first few months. And most importantly, they put themselves out there. They leveraged my expertise decisively.
Most clients will have some degree of self-sabotage, in that they say they will go and meet women… but they don’t. We spend more of our early calls addressing these blocks. *If* they continue to show up for calls in spite of a slower pace of action, we can expect them to get the results of these guys in about twice as long.
This first category of guys, whichever subtype, always needs to get my most intensive package. They have the most they need to work on; cutting corners is unacceptable.
Guy #2: Can’t Keep Women
This next category of guys is a bit different. These men can attract pretty women, even hot ones.
Attraction isn’t a problem for these guys. They can get laid whenever they want.
The problem is that the women they attract aren’t worth keeping around.
The girls are generally vapid, immature, or have some sort of personality issue. But the girls themselves are not the only issue. The guy himself obviously has problems of his own, as he seems to struggle getting girls he can actually commit to.
Because at the end of the day, his core problem is he can’t find success in love.
He just doesn’t care about most the girls he dates. He has no feelings for them.
And if he does happen to stumble across a woman he does really enjoy?
He somehow seems to screw it up, and gets his heart broken in the process.
These are attractive men, but they have emotional blocks that stop them from connecting with women on a non-sexual level. So despite easy sex, they’re romantically dissatisfied.
I work with these guys on two primary levels. The first is deep work: we need to get to the root of why they tend to push emotionally available women away. As with the first type of guy, this wound-healing starts with the 3 hour deep dive call. If the guy is targeting the wrong demographics, we work on that as well.
However, as noted these guys are already pretty good with women and meet them fairly easily. The main difference is after our deep work, they shift enough that they meet a “different” woman in the coming weeks… because they have changed themselves.
Which leads us to the next phase: showing them how to navigate this budding “relationship” (they aren’t always formal) and the emotional availability it entails.
Often the first of these doesn’t work out, but our break-down of these situations helps the client to develop more discernment when it comes to women, and to not get played. It also helps him learn more about what he really wants in a woman, and practice opening emotionally.
Normally the second girl he dates after this one becomes a serious relationship.
These clients will either take the standard or intensive package. They don’t always “need” the bigger one, but the more inquisitive ones tend to prefer it.
Guy #3: Has Relationship Issues
Guy #2 struggles to get serious with a keeper; Guy #3 already (potentially) has one. But not all is perfect in paradise.
Often he’s been with his woman for years, and knows he needs to propose soon — but for some reason he’s got cold feet. Or perhaps they’ve already been married — they even have a family — but they’re fighting too much, and he’s got repressed resentment or dissatisfaction. The intimacy is mediocre. Overall, the relationship has problems and might not last. But it’s not usually at this point critical or unsalvageable.
As usual, we go through our deep dive together, and I find out not only the client’s past — but his woman’s. We uncover all the areas where problems exist.
And then we get to work on healing the relationship itself.
This involves both tactical changes and a broader change in perspective about the relationship itself on a fundamental level.
Part of this can concern “basic” manosphere / red pill stuff: keeping to your word, getting in shape, developing better boundaries. Essentially, acting more like a man, and building up your desirability.
But even beyond masculine development, what tends to happen is that both parties have unmet emotional needs, yet neither is meeting the other’s. My client, for instance, might be frustrated about his wife’s behavior. For the relationship to improve, this needs to be on one hand re-contextualized (what is causing her to act this way?), but even more profoundly, the client needs to understand the reasons for his own triggers.
The reality is men are more emotional than they want to accept. So much of relationship problems come about because the man himself has insecurities, and these insecurities are triggered by a woman’s responses to him — even though very often said responses have nothing at all to do with him. Her “poor responses” are either a result of own baggage, or she simply has a different way of expressing her love — and he needs to acknowledge this, and communicate what he needs.
This emotional honesty is paired by the man himself changing his behavior towards the woman — providing her with her “love language” and responding less reactively during fights. It can be challenging, and often takes a couple months before the woman being to “trust” his behavioral changes, but once that point is met, intimacy begins to accelerate rapidly.
Usually clients will either achieve “the relationship of their dream” or at least a much improved baseline, with a confidence that they can manage misunderstandings and come together even further.
However, in some cases the result of our work together is that the man begins to change… but the woman does not. She does not want to grow, and is stuck in old patterns. He finds himself less attracted to her, and the relationship seems to hit a natural termination point.
This is one of the reasons why I tell clients when we begin: “are you willing to leave her if necessary?” I ask not only because sometimes the outcome leads to this, but because it gives him the conviction to make the necessary changes without concern for how she responds to them. Usually this isn’t how things will go: if she still loves him and he starts to lead, she will follow. But nothing is guaranteed — except the man himself will change, and be ready for a quality relationship with another woman in the future.
These guys usually take the standard coaching package, though depending on the magnitude of the problems, the intensive is sometimes necessary.
Guy #4: Going Through A Break Up / Divorce
Guy #4 is similar to Guy #3, except his problems are further along, and the focus is necessarily different.
Guy #3 is proactive — he got a diagnosis of cancer, and looked for solutions. His relationship wasn’t terrible, it just wasn’t great. Guy #4 is a different story. He either avoided the problem, or didn’t become aware of the magnitude of it until the situation was critical.
At this point, the couple is either on the verge of break up or the split has already happened. These guys come to me with mixed objectives; they often want to fix the relationship or “get her back,” but they also know the odds are low. They are reaching out as much to get help with the next stage of their life — to not make the same mistakes and get back out there.
The first thing we do as always is the deep dive — this gets to the root of the emotional patterns, and why the relationship failed. This postmortem processing is especially important with these guys as they don’t fully understand what happened; they are still in emotional grieving.
If they decide they still want to attempt to recover their relationship, I show them how to approach their woman in a different manner, and with a different attitude and understanding of their woman’s behavior. I get them to operate outside of the pattern that previously existed between them.
A guy who pulls the trigger to do coaching at this point is usually at peace with whatever happens; their only real objective is for things in their life to change. As a result, sometimes the woman comes back, and we start the long road to a new relationship.
But to be frank, most of the time too much damage has been done. Very often actually the woman herself is the main problem — the guy’s mistake was poor vetting and boundaries — and it’s in his best interest to get out. This is revealed quickly as attempts to change the dynamic are met with hostility.
The silver lining? Once he sees all of this, he is able to let go of the relationship in peace. And we can start the process of building a new life for him, helping him to rediscover himself, and meet new women who are a much better fit.
This was the journey for one recent client. His marriage was at a critical stage, and his wife was both verbally and physically abusive to him — she was even beginning to create serious professional problems for him, creating drama at his company with his employees. After a consultation I strongly urged divorce; this woman had serious issues and was not going to change. Since then his life has taken a dramatic turn for the better, and is dating a gorgeous younger woman who treats him like a king.
These guys usually take the intensive package, as we not only have to deal with the fallout of the relationship, we need time together to help him begin again.
Guy #5: The “Unique Problem” Millionaire
As you can see, these 4 archetypes make up the lifecycle of a man’s relationship with women. I help guys meet and attract women, connect with and keep quality women, navigate intimacy issues in their relationships, and then if necessary help them to process the failure of their relationships and start from the beginning again. These men make up 90-95% of my clientele.
But every few months a guy with a very distinct set of problems reaches out to me. Usually these men are extremely high net worth (8-9 figures), and accordingly do not have the same problems as regular guys.
These guys are quite confident and almost always already successful with women. But they come to me for a very simple reason: they need someone (in their words) “intelligent enough to challenge their thinking.” And they only trust me to help them.
Their problems are bespoke, and not uniform. But they’re always “problems of abundance.” Perhaps he loves his wife but is enjoying having affairs with models, yet is wracked with guilt and afraid of destroying everything, and doesn’t know how to proceed. Maybe he’s considering going exclusive with one girl but can’t suss out whether or not she is a gold digger playing deep levels of deception. Maybe he’s got an open harem, and is struggling to balance the dramas of multiple women. Or perhaps he’s in some fiery love affair with a femme fatal, and trying to not get burned.
These guys aren’t my typical clients but they’re fun to work with. Their experience is enough that the standard coaching package suffices.
The “Bonus Guy” & Coda
There is one last type of guy I work with, actually. But I didn’t list him separately, because he tends to show up among many of the other guys.
Guy who needs :help with his career” / “business consulting”.
This is usually only a partial focus with clients, though with some it can actually be the primary topic of exploration. But these guys are either at an impasse with their careers, or stuck in their own company and don’t know how to move forward.
My ability to get to the heart of emotional blocks surrounding women means I am also excellent at getting to the heart of emotional blocks surrounding work. And my outside- the-box thinking means even in areas where I have minimal experience I’m able to ask the right questions and get the client thinking in the right area.
Which is one of the reasons why ~30% of my clients end up not only getting the changes they want in their relationships with women, but also end up getting promoted, changing careers, or making massive breakthroughs in their business — easily making 2-5x as much money.
This obviously depends highly on the guy and where he is at when we work together. But it’s one of many reasons why this investment in yourself quite literally pays dividends.
That about wraps it up, not much more to say.
Consider which of these archetypes relates most to you and your current situation.
And fill out an application here: www.patstedman.com/application
I look forward to changing your life.