Had a conversation with a client the other day that I’ve had with more clients than I can recall at this point.
He had an “assignment” to go talk to girls. And, surprise surprise, he didn’t do it.
“I didn’t want to bother them”
Whether it was a girl shopping in the grocery store, sitting at a cafe, or staring into the abyss on the subway… the excuse remained. Any interruption of this girls life was by default a net negative experience for her. And he didn’t want to be the one to do it.
I don’t blame him for feeling this way. He was programmed to think like this, like millions of other men. If a girl doesn’t want to talk to you, you harassed her — you are the embodiment of toxic masculinity, merely a step away from a rapist.
But the reality of course is this mindset is complete and total bullshit, and it’s easy to deconstruct with a counter example. How would said woman feel, for instance, if the man in question were a celebrity?
Even if this woman were happily married, you can guarantee that Leonardo DiCaprio teasing her about buying so many potatoes in the Trader Joe’s check out aisle would make her day. Brad Pitt making a comment about the book she was reading at the cafe would lighten her up. Henry Cavill joking about the latest NY subway incident would put a smile on her face.
“But Pat” you protest, “I’m not a handsome celebrity!”
Well what are you then, a worm?
The purpose of the exercise is not to claim you are the most attractive man in the world. It’s to reveal that your excuse — as reasonable as it may appear on the surface — is really just an allusion that interacting with YOU is a net negative on a woman’s life.
Do you really believe that to be true?
I hope not. Not only because it’s likely self-pitying bullshit — you don’t have to be master seducer to leave a woman better than you found her in a conversation, and it’s not difficult to step away if she’s not interested in talking.
But because it’s arrogant.
Yes, you heard me correctly. Thinking you approaching a woman would “bother” her so much that you would somehow ruin her day is ARROGANT.
What gives you so much power over a woman’s emotions? What makes you control her state of mind, and how she feels? How dare you take away her agency to decide what is and isn’t good for her?
The delusionally self-confident guy and the “nice guy” both share a distorted, egotistical sense of impact on everyone around them. The “nice guy” just gets a sense of moral smugness from never imposing on anybody else (read: never meeting his own needs).
The reality is when you talk to a girl, you are checking to see if she wants to connect with you. That is all.
You are seeing whether she is open, or whether she is willing to be open. You are exploring the vibe between you and her.
She can take it or leave it, and you don’t have to push it. Being friendly is not a crime, it is a gift — especially in a world where most women are desperate for connection, but too anxious and lost in their heads to get it.
Yes, “cold approaching” girls these days will make you stand out. In a world full of scared, insecure people — being open and confident is a revolutionary statement.
The choice of which man you want to be is always yours.
And if you want help becoming an exceptional one with the ladies…
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application