Good tweet by Kati Ivey the other day I wanted to respond to:

But the question I’m sure you’re left with afterwords is… how?

“Dead bedroom” seems to be something that sets in gradually, and then after little kids enter the picture all at once. Your woman is tired, and her post-pregnancy hormones have killed her sex drive. And you not only don’t have time to do the deed, but very often you also lack space — toddlers are needy and don’t understand boundaries like “closed doors.”

Of course, this doesn’t mean at first you and your woman will never have sex. But the problem is that sex becomes something you “squeeze in” when other responsibilities aren’t in the way.

This might be an OK stopgap at first; it keeps you somewhat connected. But gradually “quickies” become your standard sexual routine. Soon you fall out of rhythm with each other; sex becomes increasingly a race to release — usually the for the man — and not about intimacy or the two of you getting to feel each other’s bodies.

This reduces the quality of the sex, and the connection of the woman to it. Which ultimately reduces the quantity of sex.

Before you know it, you have a dead bedroom.

There are many solutions on how to deal with this. One of the more popular ones in marriage counseling circles is “scheduling sex.” And despite how unsexy such a thing sounds, it is practical, and in many ways works.

But the problem with your typical way of scheduling sex is that very often your bedroom has lost its sexual connotation.

It may have kids stuff all over. Even if you clean it up and make it more sexy, you’re at home, in proximity to other tasks… you’re more likely to do the deed, but then feel compelled to take care of some other erroneous business.

Which is why I recommend something at least at first for many couples who have found themselves with a disconnected, dreary sex life:

Book a hotel and spend a couple of hours in it every week.

There are a few of reasons for this.

First is something everybody who has sold their expertise knows first hand: people appreciate things more when they pay for them. If you are renting a hotel room just to have sex, you are going to take that sex seriously. You will stick around longer, and you are going to make sure you enjoy it. You want to get your money’s worth.

Second is more practical; you are ensured no interruptions, which is potentially is not the case in your house (deliveries, neighbors, kids barging in, etc).

But the last reason is perhaps the most important one. The hotel has the connotation of a sex space. And not just any sex space, but an illicit one. It’s where people go for affairs, to film kink. To be anonymous, so they can be dirty. It’s a place where inhibitions drop.

When a couple has fallen out of sync with each other, and their sexual energy has been shut down, an erotic environment like this is very important. The context facilitates a rediscovering, a recharging of sexuality… and a release of sexual shame.

Many will scoff at the idea, and think it is a “waste of money.” The reality is a hotel suitable for your purposes will cost anywhere from $60-120 depending where you live. Clean but not glamorous is all that’s required. This is essentially the same as a dinner for two with drinks.

Considering most guys do dinner dates in hopes of getting laid, yet come back disappointed, it might be better time and money spent using those 2-3 hours for a different “date” and checking in to your local Marriott instead.

“But Pat,” you protest — “my wife would NEVER agree to do this.”

Do you mean she wouldn’t do it, or that she would grumble about doing it?

If she would absolutely refuse to go to a hotel with you to have sex, then your relationship is near death. This means she is not only physically but emotionally disinterested in intimacy, and does not care about fixing the relationship. You have a desire issue rather than a comfort one. This is your cue to distance yourself from her, and even consider techniques I normally eschew like dread game.

But the reality is when most guys say “my wife wouldn’t agree to this,” what they really mean is “she would complain about it.”

And you know what I say to that?

So what?

OF COURSE she is going to complain when you’re doing something “weird,” and she doesn’t trust your leadership or feel connected to you.

If you actually care about the relationship, and you know this time together will bring you closer together, you need to act in spite of her defense mechanisms. If you’ve taken care of the logistics, most will only protest briefly… and if you pay attention, you will start to see more of a sheepish excitement out of them.

But if she wants to complain all the way to the hotel room, let her. Let her act incredulous there as you undress her.   Don’t let that poor inner child within you get triggered by her “rejection” and cause you to run away from her. She is letting you take her in spite of what she is saying because deep down she wants it. Indeed, she wants it even more when you want her in spite of it.

No, it isn’t sexy when she acts like this. But this is the first time; it’s new for her. Lead her and the relationship where it needs to be. And make this intimate more than just sex or release. Bring something to do in between “sessions,” maybe some intimacy game to get to know her better, or something fun that leaves you laughing.

If your issue with her is predominantly comfort (it almost always is), a few hours there being intimate, and BOTH of you will feel your relationship recharged.

And the best part about it?

Once she starts to reconnect with her own sexuality and with you, she will want sex more and more outside of the hotel room.

Eventually, you’ll change the entire energy of your relationship… and turn a dead bedroom into a top-tier sex life.

But I know it’s all easier said than done. When you love a woman, you are emotionally compromised by her, like she is by you. Negative, toxic patterns threaten to divert any attempt at improvement into more drama.

Which is why you might consider working with me.

Because I won’t just tell you what to do with her.

I will shed light on your OWN dysfunctional behavior your ego is blinding you from. And getting you not only to read her actions more accurately, but getting you to better understand your own.

Objective, expert guidance designed to get you the relationship of your dreams.

If you want it, apply here:

– Pat

PS Check out my testimonials here or on my site.