Put out a tweet the other day that created some interesting conversations:



Obviously a lot of guys have a hard time with this, because the red pill is predominantly constructed around men who (at least at one point) struggled to attract women.

You were “undesirable,” and so you had to learn how to change that. Getting sex was the ultimate goal; an indication you were valuable to women.

But there was a problem. What if you could get sex… but nothing more? What if every woman you pursued was happy to sleep with you, but not interested in seeing you again? Is that “alpha”?

This dilemma has been mostly ignored by “the red pill” because most guys measure success through notches instead of retention.

Yet while both offer insight into a man’s value, as Nash pointed out: retention is ultimately far more telling about a man’s quality, and what sort of feelings women have about him.

Realistically, there are only 5 major reasons why a woman would not sleep with a guy again. And 4 of them have to do with the man’s value:

  • Low social value
  • Lack masculine charge
  • Bad in bed
  • Minimal connection
  • Circumstantial motive

#1 Low Social Value is a classic impediment attractive yet unsuccessful / unimpressive men have to deal with. Women may find them incredibly handsome, and want the notch. But he’s a broke boy with nothing going for him. Unless she’s older and established and wants to bring him on as arm candy, she won’t want anything serious with him. He is not commitment worthy.

#2 Lack Masculine Charge is common with handsome “nice guys.” They lack an edge or boundaries around women. They don’t create emotional sparks, and on a fundamental level are basing their behavior around what the woman wants, even if this is concealed. Women are usually unenthusiastic about these guys; they will sleep with them quickly to get the notch, but won’t want to see them again.

#3 Bad In Bed is a more tragic one, but it’s true. Maybe a woman was excited about sex with the guy because he was so attractive, but if the experience was disappointing, she may not want to give it a second chance. Conversely, a woman is unlikely to discard a man who is handsome and good in bed, though if that is all he is, he is likely to still be kept hidden from her “public” life.

#4 Minimal Connection matters tremendously, as women are emotional creatures. Some of the problem with this is what was outlined in #2 — it is hard for a woman to connect with an unmasculine man. But this goes beyond polarity; it is personality meshing. How authentic and open are you being, how much of the “real you” is she experiencing? While some of this is out of your control — you can’t force chemistry between two people — intimacy is powerful, and she is unlikely to disappear after a single date if she’s experienced it with you.

#5 Circumstantial Motive is the one big exception to all of the above… although of course if a man was established/successful, masculine, good in bed, *and* could emotionally connect with her — it would probably go out the window. But women do choose to have sex with men for mercenary reasons: they’re horny, on vacation and want to be adventurous, just broke up and are looking for a rebound, etc. These are “situational hook ups” where you are simply “right place, right time.” The most important variables for a girl in these circumstances is that the guy is fun and handsome. She doesn’t want anything more than to use you: once you’re out the door or she boards the plane, your purpose has been served, and you disappear from relevance.

So with this in the front of our minds, let’s address the misunderstanding between Nash and I.

When I said attractive guys should “turn down more sex,” the reason for simple: these guys wanted something more serious, but were letting women who weren’t a good fit for them use them for their own purposes: sex.

In other words, it was a frame issue. These guys were failing with #2 and often #4 above; they weren’t putting up enough boundaries, they weren’t connecting deeply enough — they had “nice guy” tendencies. And in their case, part of the nice guy mindset meant leaving the door open for any half-way decent looking woman who wanted a piece. It was validation: but beneath it was an unconscious hope that she would care for him more deeply. This conveyed a lack of self-respect and boundaries. And so saying “no” to sex with women who weren’t a strong fit was a way they could reassert boundaries.

This approach also had major positive affects for #3: sexual performance. Because very often the reason a guy is bad in bed with a girl is because HE doesn’t feel fully connected or trusting of her. He has anxiety about how she is going to perceive him; he doesn’t feel safe. And so he either struggles to get it up at all, can’t finish, or cums too early.

This failure leads to him shutting down, affecting #4. It’s a feedback cycle. And so an effective way for a guy to fix this sexual anxiety is to not have sex with women who expect him to put on a performance for her. Again, this demands he hold off on sex.

This advice might be prescribed differently if the guy’s objectives were different. If he wasn’t looking for something serious, but wanted the women to continue seeing him, then he’d do better to state his intentions more clearly. He was likely conveying his hope for “something more” unconsciously; women felt his unspoken need, his hidden agenda, and headed quickly for the exit.

Which is why what is key here is that the guy knows what he wants, expresses these needs clearly, and acts in a way that honors them.

I offer the proposition that guys hold off on sex not only because this desire is already in the hearts of many men, and it gives them permission — but to more broadly deconstruct the idea that a man needs to do anything for a woman, *including* sleep with her.

We are used to a porn-brained society where “betas” are simps and “alphas” are walking dildos. One may seem more appealing than the other, but both are slaves to women’s whims, and ultimately emasculated.

A woman trusts a man who honors himself, even if it means denying her. Especially when denying her means he must also deny himself.

Understand: the more appealing you are to women, the more they will seek to distract you with faustian bargains, offering temporary pleasure at the expense of freedom.

Which is why the goal is not to “get more” from women, but to be completely and totally in congruence with yourself.

Because only once you are in congruence, will the women you are truly looking for emerge…

If you want help finding them…

Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application

– Pat