Provocative tweet came out yesterday from Roobz I was asked to comment on:
It’s a good question. Is sexual compatibility actually a real thing?
Well the short answer is… yes it is. Like in all aspects of human interactions, people are more compatible in some areas than others. Sex is no different. Sleep with enough women and the variation between them — and between you with them — is impossible to deny.
However I understand the deeper point Roobz is making and in a certain sense she’s not wrong.
How important is this initial sexual connection? And what exactly is going on when it happens?
First, there’s no doubt hormones come into the picture. And that they cloud our judgment of compatibility in other areas — like values and personality.
You could be dating a personal who is terrible for you. Indeed, unfortunately this is very often exactly the case when the sex is powerful at the beginning.
However, while this is an issue if you’re looking for a serious relationship… this doesn’t mean the sexual itself compatibility isn’t real. Technical point but worth making. Bad sex is a HUGE cause of relationship failure and stagnation, and the compatibility in this arena — the natural, intuitive connection you have in bed with a woman — is not to be dismissed.
The real question is why these two compatibilities — sexual vs psychological — are so often at odds with each other. Why is the sex so often good with fucked up people?
(WATCH: The Succubus Explained)
I’m in the process of writing about this more in depth… but to touch on this briefly…
Much of sexual compatibility as it is commonly understood is based on lust. Which is fundamentally derived from SHAME.
Which means you may find sex with a girl “crazy” and amazing because you and her are letting out all that suppressed sexual energy with the other. Your mutual shame around your sexual desires becomes a compulsive need for sex. And so in one of the most delicate acts that exists, you feel mutually understood and accepted. It’s intoxicating. She validates you, you validate her. Over time, this expression of the profane becomes a vector for connection.
In other words…
This “sexual compatibility” is effectively a trauma bond.
Which is why it so often comes with baggage in other areas of the relationship, and why girls who give “the best sex” like BPD women will destroy your lives in other ways.
So what’s the solution here? To ignore this kind of sexual compatibility?
Yes and no. On one hand, it’s deceptive as Roobz alludes to. On the other hand, trauma bonds can be alchemized into genuine connection. There is something to the concept of “sexual healing.”
But what I want to really focus on here before we close… is that while you may have this dark, trauma-based sexual compatibility instantly with a girl, if you clear out your own shame around sex — and she does too — you can have a great sex life with most women. You may have some “issues” at first but they can be worked out.
And once you get through them, the sex will be better than ever.
Which is why many argue you shouldn’t have sex before marriage at all. Because if you choose a woman who is emotionally healthy — which is easier if you haven’t allowed sex to cloud your judgment — you can “work” on sex with even if there is some “miscommunication” in the bedroom at first.
Anyway. Whether you choose to wait or not, don’t lose the big picture point here.
Sex matters in a relationship a lot.
Which is why I dedicate two videos in my masterclass specifically to it.
Both the “technicals” of how to be good in bed, and how to navigate and alchemize sexual shame (and related performance issues) in the context of a relationship.
Only a small fraction of Module 5 — which covers relationships and intimacy in depth. Which is in turn only a small fraction of the whole course.
You can buy it here: https://masterclass.patstedman.com/sales-page