Had a question crop up by @jaguarness the other day I wanted to get to, as it’s one many guys struggle with:

My answer?

Well, obviously it is a fine line, and getting it right is mostly a calibration issue. Guys who aren’t used to being a little cocky will likely overdo it at first — indeed, they arguably must, in order to feel what it’s like to create some tension.

But in my observation, when guys REALLY mess this up and make a girl cry or hate their guts… it’s not generally due to poor calibration so much as a misunderstanding of the POINT of “negs,” cockiness, assholishness, etc

You see, most guys who get into game get into it because they feel like they have been “betas” or “chumps” that women have taken advantage of or used. These guys have some resentment inside of them towards women, and have now become determined to NEVER do something nice for a girl.

(For instance, these guys are the first to tell you that complimenting a girl or buying her a drink are obvious tells for a loser, whereas any guy with actual experience with women knows the former has a required place in attraction, and the latter if done with the right mindset will actually make hooking up easy)

At any rate, this resentment comes out in their comments — they think “being nice is bad, therefore being mean is good,” which is BAD logic and moreover not how this stuff works.

The purpose of being cocky, or being a bit of an asshole, or negging a girl has one key purpose: TO THROW HER OFF.

Sure, it creates tension as well, and often subcommunicates a level of confidence… but the point here is to make you stand out in her mind, and get her thinking of how to respond to you.

It is NOT to lower her self-esteem.

Lowering a woman’s self-esteem is probably the worst thing you can do to get her attracted to you and to get her aroused in general. Anyone in long-term relationships knows that one of the key reasons sex lives fall apart is because the wife / girlfriend develops or deepens a low sense of self-worth. They either feel unloved or put on weight, and don’t feel attractive… therefore they don’t want to get sexual.

Seduction is designed to make a woman feel SEXY.

So telling a girl “excuse me, move that big ass out of the way” as you go to get a drink, with a smirk on your face… that throws her off, but doesn’t really diminish her. Is it a compliment, or an insult she wonders? That’s good, that’s confusion — it throw her off — and with the right tone it’s a playful tease, and shows a lack of fear. All of these things you want.

Contrast that with “your ass is disgusting, get that out of my way.” That is CRUEL. It lowers her, it doesn’t put her in a playful state… it makes her feel like her body is appealing and places her in the defense.

In other words, some overstepping is natural in the process of understanding and internalizing game, but at the end of the day your INTENT and how it comes across is really key.

Make women emotionally confused around you if you want to attract them. Make them feel playful. DO NOT make them feel like crap about themselves. She will hate you and you will get a bad reputation among all the women she knows.

Anyway, if you want real-time help with an expert who can show you exactly how to do it… and to help diagnose your dates, so you know where you might have gone wrong…

Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application

– Pat