A reader writes in:
Here’s my question… going to do my best to give you ‘context’ as briefly as possible.
About two years ago I had a great date with someone I felt I had a connection with. We hooked up, and she pursued after our date by texting me a couple of days in a row, but I then fumbled the football a bit by over pursuing trying to see her again.
By over pursuing I mean I asked to hang out 3-4 times after our initial date even though each time she had some excuse with no counter day to hang.
The reason I would do so is that her texts were always really engaging, and left me feeling like she was interested. I should also mention when I did ask to hang they were spaced out weeks/months in between.
I realize now her texts were more bait to keep me as an orbiter, and there was likely still someone in the picture. (Looking back she also did mention on the date that she was emotionally unavailable.)
I ended up completely walking away, and haven’t spoken to, or had any sort of online interaction with her in over a year and a half.
We still follow each other on IG, and she recently liked one of my photos out of the blue.
I am just wondering your take on this from a birds-eye view angle, and what her ‘like’ actually meant, and if you could break down the nuances of this for me. Is she putting herself in my orbit? Is she just testing the waters to see if I reach out? Etc.
Thanks for being the only dating coach tackling dynamics from a 4D, 5D perspective.
P.S. Re the tweet the other day about Rollo constantly mentioning you- I had a download that maybe one of your roles is to from afar help him purge. You clearly trigger him.
What do you guys think? Am I helping Rollo heal? It’s certainly true that those who bother us have something to teach us about ourselves…
Anyway, as for the question. The short answer is “yes” — she is testing the waters to see if you will reach out. But I wanted to write about it because there are some bigger lessons to glean from this.
First, understand that while you did “overplay” your hand and come on too strong, you are not in a strict orbiter situation.
You guys got physical. Sounds like you may have even fucked (“hooked up” means different things to different people).
In other words… there was desire there. And it probably hasn’t disappeared — as evidenced by her liking your post.
Likely what happened had less to do with you than you think. This girl plays the field — hence her “emotional unavailability.” Charming and attractive, but highly distracted. She wants all of her lovers to still care about her and think about her. And she knows her stuff… it’s obviously working 😉
So what does it “mean” and how to proceed?
Personally, I would unfollow or mute her. This is the smart strategic answer. These girls are immature and give very limited return for the amount of energy they take. What you were attracted to was a well crafted mirage — she sucks.
But if you want to be tactical and keep the door open, fortunately the response is pretty similar:
Because of your overinvestment before, she will need to give you a lot more before you even consider giving her anything. She needs to start to feel like she can’t get you back on a whim to invest more. Keep posting more cool stuff, and let her like more and more of the posts. If she’s truly keen, she’ll do this… and will eventually send you a DM. And then it’s just a casual invite for her to join something you’re doing, with sex after.
Main thing I want to get across though is the framing here. Do NOT think in a situation like this that you “disqualified yourself to the girl.”
This girl disqualified herself to YOU.
She played stupid games, and now she’s got a stupid prize.
At a minimum she’s removed herself from any serious criteria. She can pursue you to get back into the bangzone — not anything more.
Anyway, know it can be tough to get this kind of perspective while you’re in the heat of the moment. We fall for the game… and get caught up in her frame.
Which is why it’s quite helpful to have a coach who can “snap you out of it”… and begin to reprogram your mind permanently.
If this sounds appealing, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application