Hi Pat,

Got few doubts to ask here. This girl that I’m seeing right now is feminine, submissive to me (believe it’s because of the frame that I maintain) & is pleasant to be with. All good overall. Good family & background.It’s here past however that has bugged me in the past. She has always been a relationship girl, cheated on one of her boyfriend though by sleeping with someone else when he was away (LDR). Post her education, in the last one year, she has had 5-6 flings (This was when I asked her. She wasn’t upfront about it. She was very casual about it. A red flag however was that she couldn’t even remember how many guys and had to count them when I asked).

Further, it’s a trend I have been noticing. Girls prefer to have flings after being involved in relationships that have been stressful or not good.

Another girl that I’m talking to has had flings recently & now she wants a stable guy to settle down. Why? Can you please explain? 

Also, I have nexted her in my mind as she’s shifting cities & the fact that she keeps in touch with all her exes & flings doesn’t seem fine to me. Why would she do that? What are your views?

Should one look past a girl’s past like this because I honestly judge her by her past.I’m from India where casual sex culture isn’t that popular as in the West. Regards, G


There are two answers to these questions, and accepting them requires you to think within a paradox — as to some extent, they conflict with each other.

First of all… it’s in fact quite normal for girls to go through these different “stages” of dating.

(Especially ESFJs, which I’d bet is the “type” of the girl in question)

Girls want something serious, but then it gets too intense, she becomes emotionally burned out, tired of bad sex… so she decides to have “fun” instead — to sleep around, party, even have an affair.

Eventually though, the “fun” loses its luster — she starts to feel dirty, even bored of sleeping with strangers. The process feels empty, and so she looks once again for something more meaningful.

This pinging back-and-forth between being a good girl and a bad girl is thus dependent less on the guys around, than the phases said girl is in.

She is trying to figure out herself through experiences, which is part and parcel of life.

“But wait Pat, are you saying it’s OK for girls to be sluts?”

NO, what I am saying is that in the modern environmental context, a woman’s “shadow work” and self-understanding is likely to come from at least a little “partying.”

She has been programmed to believe such things are what she wants, and so she will need to experience it to move past it — especially if her “trad” experience with her first guy results in an unpleasant relationship.

Guys indeed are quite similar about this — they get dumped, learn game, fuck a bunch of girls, and then get burned out of it and look for something more serious again.

(Wonder whose story that sounds like around here…)

So on one hand, it’s fair to give women the space to explore, as this is perhaps their path — this is how they grow.

But the problem of course is that most women are not going through slut phases consciously but impulsively… and that too many of these “experiences” in fact damage a woman’s ability to commit to a relationship altogether.

Sex is an EXTREMELY powerful act that bonds two people together. There is an energetic and hormonal exchange.

Women who allow that bond to be broken over and over again suffer the ability to “feel” — like an addict whose dopamine receptors are blown out.

Moreover, such behavior is reckless, and calls into question whether the girl is really someone you can trust to commit to. How do you know she won’t be impulsive like this in the future, if things get tough?

And of course, even if all the above isn’t at issue… it puts a serious burden on most men’s egos whether they can tolerate this past or not (not that you should be ego driven, but this is just a fact). Do you want to marry a girl who’s been promiscuous, whose perhaps even been a whore for other men?

It’s tough.

So how to reconcile these two paradigms?

By assessing your own preferences, and being both forgiving and discerning.

The truth is that you are not committing to some perfect creature. Such things do not exist on this world. Every woman has her baggage, and every woman has her journey.

And you have your own.

The point is that it is YOUR CHOICE and no one can make it for you.

There are immense benefits to committing to a girl with a low n-count. You can see she has self-restraint, you can see she respects her body, and you don’t have to worry about her past.

But in the same token, this girl may have deeper sexual fantasies and by turning her into this madonna, who is so pure and wife-worthy, you may yet suppress the whore within her.

The reality is that “alphas” get the “best” of so many women because they don’t judge their dark sexual nature. They allow a woman to express it — to give it to them.

It is thus you own judgment and control of a woman’s sexuality that silences it.

Allowing a woman to feel like a slut around you is the only way to make her your slut.

And while in the ideal, you find a good girl and bring that out of her…

This world is filled with blurred lines, not clear ones.

And the only way to navigate those blurred lines? To see who the woman really is, regardless of what she has or hasn’t done?

You must develop your discernment — your ability to read people.

Which is why you should work with me.

Because there are few people better at it than I am.

Apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application

– Pat

PS If coaching is not in the cards for you right now, or you simply don’t have the coin, I check out the masterclass instead: https://masterclass.patstedman.com/sales-page