I received this question earlier today on a delicate yet important topic:
Hey Pat, where does the nuance lie between teasing and insulting? I’m having to think about this consciously because I only regularly tease girls I have no interest in, now having to consciously think about it with a girl I like makes me realize how unclear the line between teasing and insulting can be. Context and vibe are of course king in how it is received, but I have a hard time discerning if I’m being too harsh in teasing (calling a girl fat or desperate for attention for example). I assume most of this is intuitive but any pointers on this topic would be appreciated.
Ah yes, “the art of the neg.”
I admit to having neglected this topic, so I’m happy to have the opportunity to discuss it. Pretty much every girl who’s read / heard about “The Game” has a caustic opinion about PUAs because of negging. It gets a bad rap. And the above question underlines why.
Negs not only as a concept seem weak and silly, but negs implemented poorly not only end up creating ZERO attraction, but make the guy seem like an absolute dick.
But does that mean negs are a bad thing?
But there IS a context to them, and there is a right and wrong way to do them.
First off, understand that negs are a specific tactic underneath the broader subject of teasing.
Teasing is in turn under the subject area of “pushing” a girl, aka disqualifying her.
SOME KEY REMINDERS:
a) All good game has a balance of pushing (disqualifying) and pulling (qualifying).
b) The balance of push and pull depends on your own style and most importantly, your preselection.
There is ZERO effective game that does not use some combination of push/pull — even if the differential is as extreme as 80/20.
Low preselection (looks / status) guys are going to have to push more, as “push” creates tension (desire) while “pull” creates tension-resolution (comfort).
Ok, now that we have the fundamentals in our mind, let’s understand a good neg.
A neg DISQUALIFIES a girl, and is a powerful tool particularly for guys who are superficially “less valuable” than a girl in a situation.
Women are VERY attuned to social dynamics, and know when they are “hot stuff.” So long as a girl thinks she is above you, you have no chance of effectively gaming her. You need to break that perception, and a good neg does exactly that by taking her ego down a peg.
Understand, hot girls do NOT expect guys to do anything but cater to them. When you disqualify her, it throws her off, which a) weakens her frame, b) makes her question her prior estimation of your value, which c) makes you more mysterious and thus worth listening to.
So does that mean a good neg is more or less an insult? NO.
Because an insult makes a woman not intrigued, but repulsed by you. You want to weaken her frame not shatter her self-image. A girl who is crying because you made her feel like trash is not going to sleep with you.
Moreover, insults are so heavy-handed that their subcommunication in an “approaching” context is terrible. Telling a woman without any cause that she looks like a “pig with lipstick” reeks of insecurity. You will come across as not simply weak, but unlikable.
(As an aside, I am NOT against calling women out for bad behavior. There are times when an insult is appropriate for a woman, just like they are appropriate for a man. But you do not do this to seduce her, but to send a message to others)
So how do you execute a good neg? A few examples…
“I like your outfit, it looks like you put a lot of work into it.” / “I like your outfit, you look like a bumblebee” (if she’s wearing yellow and black, for instance)
“What’s good at this bar? You seem like a regular here.”
“Are you a lawyer?” / “Are you an accountant?” (Note: these aren’t sexy / feminine roles for women)
“You have a great smile, I love how your dimples stretch across your face”
Note the theme in the above negs? They are BACKHANDED COMPLIMENTS.
Which is what the ideal neg is.
It’s a push… but it’s also a pull at the same time. It creates mixed emotions.
In contrast, an insult is all push. It puts a woman “in her place” without giving her an ability to connect back with you.
Anyway, I think you get the idea.
And if you want some help knowing exactly when and how to apply such negs? How to craft the perfect ones for a woman, especially say online?
Best apply here: www.patstedman.com/application