A reader writes in:

Should you aim for compatibility / a best friend, OR should you aim for someone where there is that instant sincere love (that warm feeling you get when you’re with family)

That’s the short question. The backstory is I have a girl I’ve dated on and off for about 5 years through college. We’re best friends. Enjoy talking, can share anything, want the same life, and have similar values. She’s been great for expirementing and trying out life as a college kid. But, there have been other girls where there is instant connection. Not in a friendship or lustful way, but rather they give me the same warm feeling I have when I’m with my sister or brother. That feeling of I just wanna hug you. Essentially, love.

My question is, when looking for someone to be with longer term which is better? Does it depend on what you want from life? Both seem like great choices with pros and cons


I’m not certain about the full distinction between the girls here, as both sound in many ways platonic.

The former is a best friend you’re super compatible with, the latter is someone you feel unconditional love for.

Both of these are great, but where is the DESIRE?

This is the real operative term, because when you are choosing to commit to someone long term — chemistry is just as important as compatibility.

That said, given the choice between the above two options, and based on what I can infer…

The answer is #1 FULL STOP.

And here’s why:

As much as I love that this guy is heart-centered, and can feel this deep sense of connection with other girls…

A heart-centered connection is NOT attraction.

It’s an acknowledgment of someone else’s soul, of their warmth and high vibration.

It is NOT “attraction.”

Indeed, in many ways the reader answered his own question — because why would you want to marry your brother or sister?

Agape — the greek term for this sort of unconditional love — is a wonderful thing.

But it is NOT Eros.

And when choosing someone to be with you need eros.

From the sounds of it, there is at least some of this with the friend.

And if you enjoy hooking up with her, if you’re attracted to her, and you feel on the same page with her about where you’re both going…

It’s a no brainer. Because it’s not every day you find a girl you have chemistry AND compatibility with.

Anyway, this is just a surface examination of course.

Because it could very well be that NEITHER girl is the right fit. In fact it’s quite possible since the guy has to even ask the question.

When you want someone, you KNOW. Because you act in accordance with this desire.

That’s the power and truth within the unconscious.

I tell clients — you know you have a tier 1 girl because you are hanging out with her naturally. You know you are in love when you are acting like you’re in love.

Ignore the conscious mind, which is interference.

The only problem?

It’s difficult to reconcile these minds when you’re in the thick of it.

Something disorganized doesn’t usually do a good job reorganizing itself.

This clarity has to come from the OUTSIDE.

Which is why you should consider working with me.

Because bringing you clarity around women — and then guiding you towards your best experience with them — is exactly what I do.

Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application

– Pat