The other day I was hanging out at my usual cafe, concocting the prized content I know you gentlemen love, when I was presented with a brief but entertaining distraction.
A couple came in, sat down next to me at the long table, and proceeded to get into a vicious fight.
Now, make sure you understand the scene.
This wasn’t a loud, awkward “blow up” or anything.
The couple kept it quiet, especially the guy.
Their tone was low… and only those at the table could perhaps discern what was going on.
But being right next to them, I got a taste.
The “surface” gist: the girl wanted the guy to meet up with her friends or some colleagues, and he didn’t want to. She kept insisting, wanting to talk about it… he kept getting angrier and angrier.
I say surface, because obviously there is much more going on that was making this an actual issue. (It’s never the content, and almost always the underlying dynamics that causes a fight.)
And indeed, it was those underlying dynamics that I found interesting.
You see… the guy and the girl had some very “classic” orientations to them.
They were in a toxic, co-dependent relationship — the guy was avoidant, the girl anxious.
The man had contempt for the woman — he was pulling away, acting passive aggressive. Didn’t want to be around her. The more she talked, the more he demanded she shut up.
Meanwhile, the woman was acting desperate. She kept trying to get closer and closer to the guy, get him to talk, get him to listen. The more he snarled at her to get to the point or stop talking (and it was literally a snarl), the more she rambled and asked for reassurance.
Eventually, after the woman asked for the 10th time why he couldn’t meet with these people, he got up and left. She was trying to stall — “I haven’t put on my coat yet” — but he was already out the door. She followed briskly after.I’ve seen a lot of anxious and avoidant couples, but this was one of the best examples of how bad it can get.
The woman clings and clings, trying to make sure the guy will stay.
The man spurns and spurns, trying to make sure the girl will chase.
I know that last point might have confused some of you a bit.
Because I’m sure some of you looked at this dynamic, and might have thought there was nothing wrong with the guy being chased.
He has the power if he’s being chased, right?
To the extent that said guy has any control, it’s superficial.
Because if he REALLY hated that dynamic, if he REALLY wanted to get away from the girl…
He would break up with her.
If a woman is chasing you, begging for your attention… and you’re allegedly “done with her” but not actually making any moves…
You’re playing yourself.
You’re telling yourself a pretty little lie to inflate your ego.
This guy “felt trapped” by his woman, but the real person trapping him was HIMSELF.
He had no boundaries. Which is why the woman could continue to push him no matter what he said.
Avoidance might look alpha, but deep down it’s just as much a bitch-mindset as a guy who chases.
If you want to show you respect yourself, you need to speak the truth and put up legitimate barriers.
Don’t get angry. Anger is a sign that you don’t have control.Just make it clear which behavior is tolerated, and which isn’t.
And act accordingly.
Because at the end of the day your actions are the only thing women pay attention to.
Indeed, it’s all anyone pays attention to.
Which is why I find it funny when I hear guys who say they want to get better with women… Guys who tell me it’s a “top priority”…
And yet, when the prospect of spending money on said progress presents itself… they start running like Forrest Gump.
Must not be that important, huh?
Funny, isn’t it.
If your house is flooded with shit because the sewer backed up into it, you wouldn’t even think about the price to get it fixed.
And yet when these same guys’ brains are clogged up with toxic, limiting beliefs — beliefs that literally make them poorer not only with women but usually with money itself — they start to count pennies.
Oh well. It’s a tale as old as time.
There’s a reason Jesus said “you will always have the poor”
Because poor is a product of your state of mind, whether that is with cash or chicks.
And most people will never change their state of mind, because they don’t want to change their lives… even if that change is an improvement. They prefer to settle rather than upgrade their identity.
Anyway, the choice is yours how you want to live.
I offer an outstretched hand.It’s you who has to take it.
Those who are ready… apply here: www.patstedman.com/application