A reader writes in:
Thanks for putting out great content and actionable advice. I’ve been reading your stuff for probably 5-6 months now.
I wanted to run my situation by you and see what you thought.
I am a 22 year old guy and I’m struggling with whether to commit to a girl or not. We haven’t seen each other much in the past few months, but prior to that we had a pretty serious relationship for around 1.5 years.
I ended things with her, and it wasn’t because there was anything wrong with her or the relationship. She’s great and I’ve never had a connection with another girl like that. However, I felt too young to commit, and I wanted to go out, meet new girls, and have some fun. Whenever I was out with my friends, it was very difficult not to participate in the single life and I had my fair share of FOMO. She is a couple years older than me, has already been through college and had her fair share of fun.
So, probably 4-5 months ago, I broke it off and did just that. I liked being single and the freedom that came along with it. Spent my last semester of college with a few different girls, and then we reconnected. I tried being completely honest with what my desires at the time were: basically spending time with her while also enjoying the same freedoms that came with the single life. She said she’s not going to share me, it was all or nothing. I don’t blame her.
Out of college now, and I’m conflicted. I haven’t had anywhere near the same feelings for other girls as I do for her, but I’m scared if I commit to her then the same desires will come back. I mean, I’m 22. But if I keep doing my own thing then she’ll meet someone who won’t be scared to commit. Then, when I’m ready for something serious, I’m scared I won’t meet a girl with the same connection we had.
If you could shed some light on this I would really appreciate it, Pat.
A common guy-concern. Let’s address it.
So, part of this is natural. Biologically speaking guys are meant to “spread their seed”… and if you’re a young, confident, curious dude… you’re going to have a hard time committing when there is so much else out there.
But there is something else here worth considering.
Because while part of this is a product of just being a man, another part is something deeper.
Something a little more dangerous, if left unchecked…
Avoidance of intimacy.
Look, I can’t diagnose anything specifically based on an email.
(Don’t know what happened prior to this girl, in childhood, etc…)
But it’s obvious that the reader had a real connection with the girl.
Indeed, given the lingering sentiment… she appears to be a “Tier 1,” so to speak.
And yet the closer he gets, the more it freaks him out.
Well, I’m not sure if it will help.
Dealing with these sort of deeper mindset stuff requires a little more exploration and finesse than what can be provided on a screen.
(Which is why I have my coaching)
But, I will say this:
In life, there are always tradeoffs.
I wrote about the commitment dilemma a few years ago… but suffice to say…
You will eventually have to make the choice between going deep with one person, or going shallow with many.
Personally, I think there is growth to be had in both avenues.
When you explore different women, you get a better idea of the universal feminine mystique works.
And tactically, you can develop mastery with women… as well as overcome some significant limiting beliefs.
But when it comes to deep transformation?
There is absolutely nothing like a committed relationship.
Which is why the reader should be wary of his hesitation.
Because a lot of fear of commitment is actually fear of facing oneself.
The truth is that there is plenty of shallow ass out there.
Tons of hot girls you can hook up with.
But the thing about these girls is that they are expendable.
At a certain point with game you’re not actually looking for novelty, or something better… you’re looking to escape.
It’s a conclusion I came to on a beach years ago, when I had to decide whether to go all-in with my wife, or continue playing the field.
I chose her.
And it’s a decision I’m glad I made.
Not because it led to a life of flowers and candy canes (at least at first).
But because it forced me to address bullshit about myself I had been hiding from.
Deeper insecurities and immaturities I had papered over with the sex and validation of multiple women.
Issues I couldn’t ignore once in the relationship.
Anyway, everyone makes their own choice.
There are seasons to life. Maybe it’s the right time to commit, maybe it’s not.
If you want personalized guidance making these decisions, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application