Well here were are, back to blogging after a 9 month hiatus.
It feels good to be back. But the break was sorely needed.
The “red pill wars,” as history will call them, drained me of long form content. I needed a place to play around with ideas, reduce the pressure… and the daily email list became that.
(BTW, if you’re reading this yet and aren’t on the list… what are you doing? SIGN UP. There’s a reason it has thousands of subscribers and one of the best open rates by far in the dating niche…)
Anyway, though the list will continue, the blog will also be a more regular feature… as certain topics require us to go a bit deeper.
It’s an issue I’ve noticed more and more as the number of men I’ve worked with has skyrocketed.
An ironic phenomenon, and one that’s led to a tragic conclusion.
Most men who are bad with women, regardless of whether they “want” to get better with them, are doomed.
Understand: this is not because they lack the capacity to change! Their fate is not set in stone! Indeed, many have all the assets to have the perfect relationships they want.
Rather there’s a subtle, insidious reason why.
The Matthew Principle To Dating
A couple of recent conversations brought to mind a verse I took issue with in the bible, back when I was a questioning adolescent:
- Matthew 25:29: ‘For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath.’ (KJV)
This verse routinely riles atheists and idealists because of its blatant unfairness. What sort of God gives more to, say, the rich, and takes from the poor?
If this is God’s word, God sounds like a dick — not a very persuasive way to bring people to religion.
But what I, as many others, didn’t understand was that this verse, like the rest of the Bible, isn’t a book telling you what “should” be. It’s a book telling you what is.
Because whether we like it or not, the universe works in this way.
It applies to Money. Friends. Fortune.
And, of course, to Women.
Now, you might be thinking “sure Pat, I already knew this.” Every guy who struggles to improve with the fairer sex doesn’t need any reminders the guys who get women tend to get more women.
Indeed, whole philosophies of “game” are based on the idea of “spinning plates” (aka having a constant roster of women available)… not only to prevent one’s own neediness, but because women can “smell” when you’ve got other options.
And when you’ve got options, women are more interested. Which makes attracting women easier.
But while all this is true, I’m actually not referring to the Matthew effect in this domain.
Instead one that is much more meta and “behind the scenes.”
The willingness to accept help in the first place.
Why You Suck With Women, And Will Keep Sucking
The other day I was rehearsing a sales call with my business coach. I was playing the role of the difficult prospective client with last minute hesitation to jump in; he, the person selling the mentorship that would fix the problem.
At one point in the call, he asked me to put down a deposit. I replied – like many do when the gun is put to their head – that I would later, after I thought about it… but not right now.
After a bit of back and forth with me making excuses, he got quiet.
“How much money do you make?” he asked me.
“$20k per month,” I replied.
“I make $850k each month. And you’re telling me you think you know what’s better for you business? The fact that you can’t go and sign up for something that will triple your income right now tells you exactly why you are where you are.”
Now, you might say “that’s an asshole thing to say” or “that’s high pressure sales!” And perhaps it is. God knows I’ve been on the other side of sales call, and once hated it (it was uncomfortable even in the rehearsal).
But as my roster of clients increases, and my track record becomes more and more solidified, my tack is starting to change.
Understand: if I go through and explain how what I can do can fix something you have said is extremely important to you to fix… and yet you still say “I need to think about it”…
At a certain point I begin to ask myself if the person I’m dealing with is crazy.
It’s like not having hot water in a house, having to take freezing cold showers… this has been going on for years. And so one day you call up a plumber and say “I’m tired of taking cold showers, can you fix this?” He says yes, shows you how long it will take, how much the investment is… and you respond… “hold on, I need to sleep on it.”
You need to “sleep on” deciding to fix something that’s bothered you for years?
Look, I get money doesn’t grow on trees. And there’s always fear of losing an investment when you put it in the market.
But maybe you need to ask yourself if your “problem”… if all the misery and discomfort you’ve experienced… is something you actually want to eliminate.
Odd as it might sound, getting what you’ve dreamed of is actually scary to most people. They’d rather settle for what’s familiar than what’s brilliant.
Which is why I’m giving less and less fucks about the guys who hesitate on taking action to change their lives.
I can’t fix you if you’re looking for ways to maintain the status quo. If when I present you with a path to progress you look for excuses.
Even if I “sign” you, you’re going to be difficult… and not because you’re inexperienced with women…
Because you suck at committing to your own ambitions.
It’s a cruel, stupid twist of fate.
But Matthew was right.
The easiest clients, and the easiest sales, are always the guys who need the least amount of work.
And so the guys who are already good get better, and the guys who struggle get worse.
Because the guys who get better invest in self-improvement automatically.
They are action takers, they trust themselves and their abilities to get to a positive outcome.
Coaching is just a way to get there faster.
Conclusions: What The Best Men Have In Common
I’ve said this elsewhere, but as of this writing the amount of money I’ve spent on coaches and products is close to $50k at this point. And it’s only accelerating.
I’ve been down the “hesitation alley” in the past… pushed through… and know viscerally the returns on investing in myself are exponential.
I know when there are areas I need a little push in, it’s worth paying for that push.
Especially since as I’ve turned 30, I’ve internalized that the core areas of life… Fitness, Finances, and Females… are all limited by a single factor:
Yes, you can conquer these at any stage of life… but aside from not knowing when that life might end… the ease of conquest, and time to enjoy the passive returns are limited the longer you wait.
Which is why I no longer fuck around.
I have a world-renowned relationship expert on call for me when I want to draw on his experience, even though I’m a master myself with 11 years exploring these topics. Because even if I need just a little insight… the price (which is far more than I charge any of you) is worth it.
Same goes for business and fitness — my two coaches are not cheap because they are extremely accomplished (the former brings in 8 figures a year, the latter works personally with a famous multi-millionaire I guarantee you know).
The point isn’t to brag (when I hired them it was actually a significant burden for me) but for you to understand my mindset, and the mindset of the guys who actually get the lives they want.
Successful people bet on themselves, and successful people think long-term. Because they know they will get the lives they want, and they know each year of growth will only allow them to enjoy the fruits of their investments sooner.
It’s why every big-league person out there has coaches.
Mentorship + Action = Acceleration. Because mentorship allows you access to collective experience and realtime troubleshooting you otherwise wouldn’t have... allowing you to avoid critical mistakes and learn from the ones you do make much faster.
So look, I know the email is aggressive. Maybe not what you were expecting from my return to blogging. You wanted topics on female psychology, game, etc.
Don’t worry, we’ll be exploring some more “sexy” topics soon.
But if you don’t think this post is extremely relevant to your relationships with women, you’re wrong.
In the end success with women is about your attitude.
So if you feel frustrated with your love life yet are skeptical about committing to work with a coach…
You are showing yourself exactly why your love life sucks.
You have an attitude of fear, loss, and scarcity… not growth, progress, and abundance.
Live in that space too long and you’ll get exactly what you expect.
Anyway, if you’re looking to do that coaching with me, go here: www.patstedman.com/application
Take some time if you need it. Just not too much.
It’s the one thing in life you can’t get more of.