I received an interesting, complicated question I’ll try to distill here for you… because it’s a very important topic.
Basically, the question revolved around how you were supposed to maintain the frame with a woman while being vulnerable… and if it ever made sense to “drop frame.” (For those just joining us on this concept, check out this precursor)
The guy was confused because he was trying to reconcile what he (correctly) understood as the need for “give and take” in a relationship… with the need to keep frame to maintain attraction / leadership position.
In fact the premises of his argument were flawed, but it’s not particularly surprising.
For instance if you’ve hung around Le Tweetér you see a bunch of tough talk about how men are supposed to act around women if they want to lead.
And to be fair, most of it is good advice.
For example… if you’re weak, unconfident, sharing your fears and problems with a woman… she’s not going to become more attracted to you.
If you’re looking for her to “make it better” like mommy, I’m sorry to tell you you’re shooting yourself in the foot.
But vulnerability has nothing to do with these things.
And expressing your feelings and flaws, rawly, honestly… is completely irrelevant to whether or not you’re a leader.
In fact, the ability to do this generally means you’re able to lead and control the frame even better.
Laissez moi vous expliquer:
Vulnerability isn’t weakness.
I love the manosphere and how it’s made men tougher, more responsible, more aware… but this is the one thing most of the guys there can’t seem to reconcile.
Vulnerability is necessary for true growth and for becoming a happy, healthy, and honest leader.
The reason for this simple.
Guys who can’t ever admit fault, pain, or issues are lying to themselves.
And liars aren’t good leaders.
They have blindspots that others can easily exploit. And they lead people — and their relationships — to their doom because of it.
Vulnerability is a natural outgrowth of awareness.
People who aren’t self-aware, or who are extremely afraid and suppressed around their baggage, are people who can’t be vulnerable.
It’s how non-introspective pussies act.
I see these clowns and charlatans all over Twitter, talking about how tough they are. Showing off.
I know exactly where I could push them if I wanted.
And they would crumble and become unhinged if I did.
(Hint: I’ve done this to some guys in “the red pill” community, and they still haven’t gotten past it)
But don’t misunderstand, I don’t say this to brag.
Just pointing out that toughness without vulnerability is little more than a veneer.
You can’t be strong if you aren’t aware of or can’t accept where you’re weak.
It’s like trying to defend a castle, fortifying all the parapets, while ignoring that there is a big hole in the side.
If you’ve got that hole, you need to fortify it EXTRA not ignore it.
And you do that by accepting that it exists… and perhaps actually fixing it.
So to return to the primary point, vulnerability has nothing negative to do with frame because being able to LEAD difficult conversations and accept the bad parts of yourself actually makes you braver and more of a leader.
And here’s the very cool bonus about this gents…
By doing this with yourself, you can start to do the same with your woman.
To help HER grow past her flaws and become a more complete, feminine, self-loving lady.
And guess how it makes a girl feel when you give her this gift of growth and self-acceptance?
(Let’s just say it rhymes with lorny)
But I know, I know.
Not exactly your cookie cutter game, is it?
That’s because it’s advanced stuff.
The kind of shit that doesn’t sell to the masses of men, because it’s too easily equated with simple minds for “being beta.”
Look, I understand that culture has tried to make guys be weak and has framed this as vulnerability… but gentlemen stop being stupid and look at things with some nuance.
If you’re sharing all the ways you feel depressed and sad to women to get pity points for pussy, you are BITCH and are not being vulnerable.
You’re being manipulative, and look pathetic while doing so.
But if you’re owning yourself and expressing yourself from a position of strength and self-acceptance… you are not only a man women can follow, but a man they can LOVE.
The only question remains.
How do you become this man?
The answer is: not overnight. It usually takes years… even decades.
Unless of course you have someone helping you to see these blindspots and to make you love and accept yourself.
And if you don’t love yourself? If you feel ashamed… and talk to yourself poorly? If you even wonder sometimes if you even deserve the women you want?
Well, I’m sorry to hear it man. Truly I am.
But the truth is: if you don’t take action to change things, it’s not going to get better.
Because the root of all lasting success with women fundamentally comes from this.
Which is why I don’t simply teach my clients the most in-depth tactics, strategies, and lessons re: dating and relationships in the industry…
I teach them how to get right with themselves.
If you want to be my next success story, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application