The other night I was out with a post-gala crew.

And a girl in the group was complaining.

(go figure)

Her boyfriend was an investment banker and was working long hours… to the point where it was her 30th birthday, and he wasn’t coming out.

I understood his side of the situation, of course.

They had spent some time together before… but he was still (allegedly) disappearing for work constantly. They had no quality time together. And he was passive aggressive about the situation to her, since he felt victimized — he didn’t really have any leeway with his boss.

Anyway it was obvious this girl was unhappy. And was contemplating leaving the relationship or cheating.

Now, there are many ways I could take this analysis.

It was obvious the girl wasn’t getting enough attention. And as we know, this is bad news. This is the currency they run on.

But there was another aspect to this I noticed.

Something I notice with a lot of guys who are in the “sphere” and are dedicated to improvement, doing better with themselves, etc.

They are very intense and serious.

And I can’t help but think this is the root of most romantic problems.

Now, I’m not one to cast stones. I have this side too.

And maybe it’s an indictment of women that if a guy really wants to do something, women aren’t interested in them.

Moreover, maybe men shouldn’t care.

But I’m a dating and relationship coach, so I have to address the topic honestly.

And the truth is that men who are serious all the time are extremely unattractive to be around.

I see this a lot in “the sphere.”

Intense conversations about being a man.

All these various ways to restrict vices, to become more disciplined.


I am not knocking it.

God knows there are areas I need to become more disciplined in — indeed, if I shifted a few habits around my life would change rapidly for the better… and I am working on it…

But there’s a line.

And I worry a lot of guys who are reading, trying to become better just miss the script.

All they talk about is becoming “better.”

And become so future oriented that they miss the present.

I have to be honest with you.

I don’t regret in the slightest going out with friends, drinking, partying.

I don’t regret ordering shots for all the people, including the ladies, around me at the bar.

I don’t regret occassionally waking up groggy as a result.

And my friends, and moreover the women never regretted it either.

So the point I’m trying to make here…

People who do well with women HAVE FUN.

And if you’re so obsessed with improving that you find “fun” that involves any “letting go” alienating, then I can tell you…

You will get more serious, and have less people in your life.

You will become more extreme in your opinions, even as you spend more and more time online.

And you will create a self-fulfilling, self-rationalizing cycle where you use the fact that you don’t interact with people as an excuse because you’re “growing so much.”

You will alienate everyone and justify it based on the ego which says you’re better.

But you’re not.

You’re just boring and heavy, and women will feel it.


Work hard.

Do what you need to, to get ahead.

But don’t forget to party and enjoy yourself.

Bring a sense of lightness and spontaneity, not heavy caricatures, to people’s lives.

Because if not, trust me, no matter how alpha you are… eventually your woman will get tired of it…

Anyway for more insights like this, applied to your personal life, go here:

I’ll make sure you grow in a healthy direction that is calibrated to YOU… not one dictated by another person’s projections…

– Pat