This email is guaranteed to offend some, but I want an honest look at this.

I got into an exchange with the great Geoffrey Miller the other day.

He’s a famous “evolutionary sex” scientist and polyamory advocate.

Now, I want to be clear about some things.

I’ve got nothing against Geoffrey. I think he’s a smart, good guy. And I appreciate him creating the opportunity for me to talk about this topic.

The truth is, I’m not an advocate of polyamory.

This isn’t because I don’t think it CAN work. I have seen relationships that are successful in this regard (Jack Murphy chief among them, though I’ll go into this in a minute).

But most of them, not so much.

Mostly I see people who have a lot of internal pain using the “free love” sex to get validation.

And people who use their “love of multiple partners” to avoid having to actually face themselves in a committed relationship.

I don’t say any of this blithely, by the way.

I lived with people like this in Southern California. They were constantly trying to get my wife and I to “open up” our marriage.

But despite all their talk about “self-realization” and “enlightenment,” I wasn’t much persuaded. They were totally miserable.

(The people who ran the event were “poly” and later got divorced. She’s with another guy now, and no longer is…. hmm)

Point is, I think poly can work, and I even hold out the possibility that it COULD be the most enlightened form of relationship (transcending biological barriers and all that).

But regardless of possibilities, my observations are IN REALITY 90% of poly relationships are trainwrecks, and their impetus for polyamory is based on trauma, dissonance, and general low-consciousness.

So again — I’m not an advocate.

(the exceptions know themselves well, and will choose their path regardless)

Moreover, I’ve never seen a polyamorous couple raise their kids together while “living the lifestyle” without some serious dysfunctional stuff going on. Every polyamorous couple I’ve met has been childless, post-menopausal, or divorced. No exceptions.

So if you want a nuclear family, not gonna cut it.

A final note.

Not all polyamory is the same. There are some setups that lead to more instability than others. The worst ones are those that focus on “multiple loves” – when a woman has a boyfriend or husband, for instance.

If you’re joining with other people for sex (particularly if your girl is bisexual), it’s plausible you can compartmentalize.

One dynamic is lust, the other love. You can build something with the person you love, while “playing” in your free time with those you enjoy for lust.

(I could be wrong, but this seems to describes Jack’s relationship).

But trying to build multiple relationships with multiple people? Good luck doing anything else with your life.


I’m not a polyamorous guy, so don’t come to me if you need help with that.

But if you were polyamorous and you’ve seen a lot of problems in your relationship as a result, working with me could be a very good thing. Since I’ve dealt with clients in this situation before, and successfully helped their relationships improve.

(Trust is the key variable. And I help you understand why you’re so untrustworthy, among other things.)

Apply here if it applies:

– Pat