Been working with one of my clients recently on his troubled marriage.

It’s a challenging situation to say the least.

The usual occurred: Guy makes some big mistakes that kill comfort, guy responds to his mistakes with placating actions that kill desire.

(Read: The 2 Sources Of Relationship Conflict)

Basically, the more he’s talked to her, the worse things have gotten. She’s indifferent and even contemptuous of basic communication.

Which, btw, is a pretty big problem… considering he’s not anywhere near her and won’t be for 2 months.

So, after a particularly dismissive email on her part, yours truly told him to do something radical.

Don’t respond.

Let it lie.

Perhaps, eventually, shoot her a message back ignoring the (dramatic and irrelevant) content of her last email. But basically to stop engaging in the pointless back and forth and give her some time to miss him… and for HIM to start preparing himself for his future with or without her.

A drastic, daring move.

A hail Mary, if you will.

And though it’s the only one, it’s likely to receive a ton of resistance from “conventional” voices he knows.


Because everybody is in the wrong frame but me.

Everybody — himself included — thinks that HE “needs to do X to get her”

That he is still the guilty one.

They are trying to get her to forgive him, not love him.

And that’s the problem.

Because a relationship might endure without desire.

But it can’t be jumpstarted. Not a chance.

Bad boys are assholes, and you need (*ought*) not act like one. But nevertheless there is stuff to learn from them.

They get away with murder because the whole time they are living life for them.

They’ve got desire on lock.

The smart ones deal with comfort, and take responsibility, but never lose that — and never let their girls feeling affect their own feelings about themselves.

I can’t guarantee my client will save his marriage. It would be easier if he was with her; distance is a bitch.

But I can guarantee this is the only way things have a chance.

Either way, if things don’t work out, he’ll be in a better place than he would have been.


PS If you’re interested in working with me, go here.

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