Arnie over at the SigmaMind brought to my attention a thread about one “alpha provider’s” extreme move to stop girls from reneging on the hook up once they saw his nice apartment:
I love this example because it outlines in full detail the absurd and (to a guy’s perspective) unfair nature of female sexual strategy.
Sure, although some guys in the process of “waking up” might get frustrated by the lover-provider paradigm, given time most come to terms with the fact that women “hook up with alphas and make beta’s wait.”
(Note: I hate these terms, but we’re going to use them for ease of communication)
A much tougher pill to swallow, however, is the fact that women are also more likely to make an alpha provider or “gamma male” (a guy with the full comfort/desire package) wait over a standard “alpha” who’s only got desire going for him.
(Read: What Women Really Want From Men)
I’m sure some guys reading this are shaking their heads.
“Wait Pat, why would a woman be less likely to sleep with a guy that checks all her boxes than some bum with a six-pack and an attitude?”
As always, sexual strategy.
If you understand that women leverage sex for commitment, then you can see it makes perfect sense for them to hold off if they want to capture this guy’s investment.
After all, they don’t want this “catch” to think she’s a strumpet, right? To hit her and quit her?
Meanwhile, the hot bum? Well, she doesn’t want to introduce him to her parents — hell, she might not even want to see him again. So why wait? It’s now or never, investment is neither required or desired.
I know: it’s an irony so unjust that a man will rearrange his entire furniture to send the impression he’s lower value than he is.
But while I see the creative logic of this guy’s strategy if his objective is to simply hook up with a girl that night — I’m less convinced it’s a sound one if your goals are more advanced.
An important thing for guys to understand is that sex is a negotiation.
Maybe not consciously, but in the background of both peoples’ minds, there is a “battle” going on, and the sexual strategy that prevails depends upon on who has the most leverage.
You can cash out quickly if you wish (or if your “leverage” is temporary, must). But if you’ve got the goods and are willing to play a slightly longer game, the rewards can be sweet.
The Psychology Behind Why Women Make Men Wait
To understand why women make gammas wait, it’s instructive to look at why they do the same for betas.
In both cases, the woman is attracted to the comfort created by some combination of the man’s preselection, persona, and personality: aka wealth/lifestyle, emotional support/attentiveness, and reliability/shared values.
Her (subconscious) goal in both cases is to get the guy to shack up with her and provide this comfort on a long-term basis.
But in the case of beta males, there is a crucial distinction: the woman has the frame.
(Read: What Is Frame?)
In the case of a gamma, that’s not the case — or shouldn’t be, unless the “full package” he’s expressing is actually a façade.
(Note: This happens to a lot of provider types who get into pick up and learn seduction but don’t develop true dominance. Paper tigers.)
Indeed, it’s important to understand that when a woman who was going to hook up with you suddenly says now you have to wait, this is frame test as much as it is her pursuing her sexual strategy.
She’s asserting that she is the catch, not you, and that you need to hold off if you want to get her.
It is effectively the same script she would run if she was working with a beta. Once she sees the opportunity for provisioning, she is going to try to send the message that she is a “keeper” who deserves it — not some “easy slut.”
The difference is that the (unaware) beta falls for this ruse hook, line, and sinker. He’s already internalized the belief he had to provision to get the girl anyway, so everything is going according to plan. He’s happy she’s interested and that he’s going to “get” her, even if he has to wait.
Gammas (and alphas) feel differently, because unlike the beta they have control of the frame — and thus expect sex on their terms.
This was the nature of the recent spat between Rollo Tomassi and Kitten Holiday, two non-mainstream writers who each help men and women, respectively, in dating.
In truth these two writers have a lot more in common than they have apart, but things blew up because philosophically Rollo took issue with Kitten’s suggestion that women should make men wait for sex.
I didn’t take any sides in the spat because in fact I agree with both — or at least, I agree with the logic of each of their messaging. Rollo should be telling men that women setting the timeline of sex is bullshit, and Kitten should be telling women to hold off.
They are simply advocating (respectively) intelligent male and female sexual strategies to achieve frame control. In my view this is a win; sexual tension creates strong connections, and sexual tension comes from the early battles over the frame.
Men may call me a traitor to the team for saying it, but this is reality. No man ever valued a woman who “gave it up” without any resistance (some may value her in spite of it, but these are exceptions). The push and pull is what makes the game of love exciting.
Acknowledging this doesn’t mean I want women to set the terms of sex — if you are a man, you better damn well be following Rollo’s advice. But this is the “big picture,” and it’s important to understand why it makes sense for women to pursue Kitten’s strategy.
[An aside: This is why my response to women who advocate for their right to be sexually liberated is “fine by me.” A lot of hay is made about “the patriarchy” constraining female sexuality, but the truth is men viscerally only care if their own women (i.e. sexual partners and daughters) are promiscuous. In fact, they actually benefit from women as a whole putting out more, because it reduces their own need to invest in order to get sex.
This is why in study after study researchers have found women, not men, are the biggest slut shamers. Which makes sense: promiscuity decreases women’s collective sexual bargaining power, and increases risks of men cheating. So, if you’re a woman reading this and are pissed about your dating options, don’t blame men, blame the other “easy” women who are taking away the high-value men’s incentives to commit. If there is a sexual counter-revolution in the future, it’s going to be lead by women — not men.]
This means that while a woman will be bored during the courtship period with a beta because she’s already “won” the battle of the frame (and is just refraining from sex out of relative disinterest / to force him to invest in her), when waiting for a gamma it is genuinely exciting for her. The situation is rife with tension — she wants him, but she knows she has to hold off for her own good.
So that’s what’s running through a woman’s mind. But what does this mean for the gamma?
Good news: a whole range of possibilities.
Including the ability to build a harem.
Gamma Sexual Strategy (How To Build A Harem)
We’ve established that if you’re a man displaying provider (comfort) traits, even if you’re also creating desire you can expect to have women try to hold back on sex.
But just because you’re experiencing a bit more resistance than usual, it doesn’t mean that you still can’t sleep with most of these women quickly. And it definitely doesn’t mean that you’ve got a liability on your hands.
You have to remember: you have the attraction, so you have all the cards. Just because a girl is trying to run her own game on you, it doesn’t mean you have to fall for it.
Take one of my good friends, a quintessential gamma. He’s successful, fit, has incredible game, exudes masculinity, and is an overall reliable and supportive dude.
Women not only want to sleep with him, they get addicted to him. They get so invested they will literally do anything for him.
(Read: Girl Game)
The price of this incredible power? Occasionally he won’t be able to sleep with a girl the first night he meets her.
Yes, my friends, sometimes these women will put up a little token resistance… so he’ll be “forced” to take them out to dinner later that week.
(Pro-tip: Dates are fun, this is not a big deal.)
But invariably by the end of that date something sexual has happened, and by date 2-3 they are having sex. After that the women are hooked.
These non-exclusive “relationships” last in theory as long as he wants them to… though in practice, usually a few months, when he has to end it because 80% of women start creating drama about the lack of commitment.
(The remaining 20% are the *growing* exceptions of women that come to terms with the situation and prefer being a top-tier guy’s main girl to not having him at all. Given enough time and overlapping values, sometimes these relationships eventually become exclusive.)
The result is that rather than have one night of sex (maybe good, maybe bad — some girls are more open sexually to strangers, others closed), he gets months of it, with all the feminine gestures of an infatuated woman in the early stages of a relationship.
This, gentlemen, is how to build a harem: you need to create both comfort and desire in women and leverage that power appropriately. Desire alone is enough for a one night stand and maybe a temporary “fuck buddy,” but it is wholly inadequate if you want a woman to have sex with regularly and shower you with femininity.
You can decide what’s more important to you.
But why not have your cake and eat it too?
If you want to build a harem, the choice is yours.
Flags On The Play
Most girls are so not used to seeing gammas given their modern day rarity that they take things sexual sooner rather than later. But every now and then you’ll get a girl who resists (a girl who has perhaps read Kitten Holiday’s or Red Pill Chick’s dating blog) and is playing a hard-to-get.
In these cases you need to weigh the cost-benefits and take it from there.
Personally, sex is just one of many reasons why I enjoy dating women — which is why the “rearrange your living room to look like shit” strategy is not one I would ever pursue. Unlike some guys, if I really enjoy hanging out with a girl, I’m happy to go through the process of “breaking down her barriers” over a couple of dates. When I’m single my goal is to build a harem, not to build my number.
After all, I’m not committing to her (at least, certainly not before sex) and am likely seeing other girls at the same time. It doesn’t affect my ego or annoy me not to get laid instantly so long as things are progressing and I know I’ve got her hooked psychologically. I’m a patient guy and I enjoy the game.
This calculus changes, however, if the girl is less appealing. Whether its bad game or inadequate chemistry, I am not going to waste my energy on a woman putting up resistance when I know the rewards will be mediocre.
So I put minimal effort into it, and make her either come fully into my frame or leave.
[BTW: In Tackling Texting I go into this in detail. Dates get set up via text, attraction gets built over text, frame gets established through text. Aka if you don’t know how to text, you’re sunk.]
More often than not, you’ll find when they realize their game is failing, they drop it and get very interested.
But even if not, it’s win-win. Energy and time are precious. Better to spend them on women who align with the man you want to be.
Which brings us to this final important disclaimer.
Like my friend, I’ve been in the position of the gamma male, and can wax poetic about its benefits. When you build a harem of 2-4 girls that you see on a regular basis, you will find yourself living in a sexual and romantic paradise. (Though FYI it is extremely time consuming, good luck getting anything else done besides your job!)
But with great power comes great responsibility. Remember: you represent everything a girl is looking for in a guy, and when you build a harem each girl in it will want you all to herself. The more you and that girl do together, the more expectations about your future relationship she will be creating in her head.
In a very short amount of time “I love you” will be on the tip of her tongue.
Keeping this in mind, when you build a harem you have to be very considerate of a girl’s feelings and do your best to leave her better than you found her.
I have the privilege of never having a girl I dated resent me. I am on good (if not close) terms with every girl I used to date.
But one girl had every right to hate me, because I did something I never should have: I got caught up in the moment (because I really did care for her) and told her I loved her.
That wasn’t true, or at least, it wasn’t true in the way she would have obviously interpreted it, given her emotional state and our dynamics. I was never going to commit to her. But I said it anyway, thinking of myself and not about her.
Don’t be like me.
You have to level with these girls about what you want from the outset and stay firm, unless you’re genuinely prepared to go 180 degrees and get serious.
I was good about telling girls from the beginning that I wasn’t looking to be exclusive or get in a relationship. But I acted in ways that contradicted my words, making the girls feel the opposite was true.
You have to remember that while some mixed messages are good, if you do too many of them you can definitely cross ethical boundaries. Yes, women are ultimately responsible for their own emotions and decisions, but if a girl is falling for you hard and can’t handle the romantic grey zone of a harem, you need to be a man of integrity and pull the plug for her.
There are plenty of women out there, and as a gamma you’re plenty good at attracting them. When you build a harem don’t keep a girl around for a long time if its not in her best interest. You don’t need her. If she’s hurting being under your spell, let her go.
Not only is it the right thing to do, but you’ll feel better — both from the reduced drama and the improved conscience.
When she finds someone else who gives her everything she’s looking for down the road, she’ll thank you.
The second a woman realizes you have provider capabilities, she’ll change her entire approach towards you. She will refrain from sleeping with you — even if you’re the man of her dreams.
But if you’re a gamma male, you need to realize that this challenge to your frame is all about building tension and making you more invested in her. It is simply her sexual strategy; you still have all the cards and all the leverage. For the price of indulging this little bit of resistance you can have the girl in the palm of your hand for months.
Do this with enough women, and you’ll have learned how to build a harem.
As a gamma male, the choice to build a harem is up to you. Just don’t tolerate any girls who play immature games or manipulate girls yourself. Level with them about your intentions. When a woman gives you her full heart, you have the capacity to damage her for years to come if you’re too selfish.