HOW TO CREATE WHAT YOU HATE
One of the crazy things about humans is their ability to project.
Aka, taking their own flaws, pathologies, etc. and accusing other people of doing them.
We’ve been seeing a bunch of that taking place recently.
(“Kill the ‘fascists,’ they are inciting violence!”)
But truly, it’s as common in dating as anywhere else.
We might think a girl is “superficial” or “immature” or “slutty.” But really…
We see what we want to see in other people.
Part of this is confirmation bias. We only search for what we want, and ignore the other details.
But a lot of time it’s straight up DELUSION.
We’re not seeing what’s *actually* there, we’re seeing what we WISH was there.
Why?
Because of our ego.
It’s very rarely — and even then, in VERY few people — that our rational mind has *any* control over our emotional one. In fact, it’s pretty much entirely the other way around. Our “rational” mind exists to rationalize, not to reason.
Often, to allow us to do what we “want” to do.
But the real explanation is a bit more profound.
We want to preserve our identity.
(Us humans are big hypocrites… and we do not like to think about it)
So if our ego has a preconceived notion about somebody or something, and we’ve based our identity around that preconceived idea… oh boy.
Good luck dislodging THAT.
It takes a LOT of pain and suffering, a LOT of cognitive dissonance (and the psychological meltdowns that tend to come with it) to finally let that belief go (most never do).
But here’s the crazy thing.
When people are told they are something they are not, most of the time they just blow it off. Separate themselves. “You don’t know me, what are you talking about.”
But if it goes on long enough and for whatever reason they can’t get away (like if its in a marriage with young kids, and they’re trying to muddle through)… they tend to become exactly what the other person “wished” they were. Even if that thing is against their own values and is entirely negative for BOTH parties.
They create what they hate.
This happens partly out of spite. But remember: This is more of a subconscious, rather than conscious process. That might be the “rationalization” for it all, but it’s not the real reason why.
The real reason is because when you are told you “are” something enough, it rubs off on you. Make fun of a kid on the playground for years and he’ll become insecure; call a girl a liar over and over and she’s going to start to lie.
It’s how you “bring out the worst in other people.” Negative reinforcement -> create what you hate.
And the irony of it all is that the person impacted feels GOOD subconsciously when it happens. Cognitive dissonance can be resolved by changing your beliefs OR by imposing your beliefs about someone on them. The other person becoming what you hate, strangely enough, feels vindicating.
Their ego is spared the sharp saber of reality.
Anyway, point is, if you’re unsatisfied with the way someone is acting, take a cold hard look in the mirror and ask yourself how much of your self-image is invested in them acting that way.
How would you feel, really, if they changed? Or do you just want to create what you hate?
Miserable people love being in misery and they love seeing misery, because the more they see, the less they have to question that they are the problem.
The solution to all of this is radical self-honesty and awareness.
And then, focusing on what you REALLY want (or at least should want) the other person to become. And praising THAT.
Don’t get me wrong, changing behavior is both carrot and stick. You need to discourage bad behavior in the women you date as much as encouraging the good.
But too often guys only focus on the negative… and put the girl in a no-win situation where she might as well be obnoxious if she decides to stick around. If she’s getting accused of it anyway, why not?
Don’t bring about your worst fears inadvertently. Don’t create what you hate.
If you keep accusing your girlfriend of cheating… you’re only increasing the chances of her sleeping around behind your back.
If you keep treating girls like they’re vapid and superficial… they might just start acting more stupid and self-absorbed.
But if you encourage a girl when she acts feminine?
Guess what: She’ll start to be it.
Till next time,
Pat
PS If you create what you hate in your own life or struggle with seeing your own delusions, my speciality is guiding you towards awareness. Nothing escapes my eye. Sign up for coaching and destroy your your cognitive dissonance in weeks. Guaranteed.
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