THE WOMEN YOU DESERVE
Much angst is made in male circles these days about the “modern woman.”
You’ve heard about her.
Entitled. Out of shape. Negative. Often psychologically unstable.
For most guys, not their dream partner.
So endemic and unpalatable is this “modern woman” that a new fantasy among men has arisen: the foreign girl. “Go abroad,” guys will say, “find a girl in South America, Asia, or Eastern Europe if you want to be happy. American women are horrible.”
Tough as it may be to hear, as a man who has dated in (most of) those places, I have a hard time disagreeing with the sentiment.
Women *in general* not only take care of themselves better (both physically and mentally) overseas, but they instinctually “get” what men want — and perhaps most crucially — don’t feel like doing it disempowers them. Over there, the genders are not at war; they aim to mutually please. It’s refreshing.
But truth be told, I don’t blame women for our problems at home.
In fact, everything that these girls are doing makes perfect sense.
Ecosystems function in equilibrium, and the courtship process is driven by men. So if you want to complain about the girls, you’ve got to first take a cold hard look at the guys.
And boy do we have some problems there.
The Truth About Modern Men
New York City is infamous for its cut-throat dating culture. Go to any party, and one of the easiest ways to start an interesting conversation is to ask “what do you think about dating here.” At this point you’d think I’d have seen and heard it all, but the things people do continue to shock me.
Yes, both men and women share the big-city problem of “too many options, not enough commitment.” People drop off like flies for no reason. Integrity is lacking.
But the craziest things I hear consistently come from the women, who regale me with horror stories of guys blowing up their phones with needy rants, dudes lacking the conversational ability to do anything but brag about their paycheck and basic-bitch job, and “gentlemen” becoming abruptly possessive, professing their love on first dates.
In other words, pathological insanity.
I would be skeptical about these stories, but my sample size at this point is getting pretty large. These women come from all different walks of life, different social and ethnic groups; each have different personalities.
But most of all, I’ve seen it with my own eyes.
Once upon a time, one of the girls I was dating (non-exclusively) “casually” showed me the messages she was still getting from guys online. She was attractive and it showed in her picture, but she was not an attention-whore — aka no caked-on makeup, duck-face, spandex selfies. She was the girl-next-door; her profile was fairly demure.
Yet she was still getting scores of unprovoked messages on her largely inactive profile each week. Once you screened out the 40% of messages that were some variation of “hey,” the rest were men pouring out their emotions like she was their psychiatrist, or volatile guys who’d give a compliment, try to be witty, and then straight-up demand they hang out. Once that was declined (or ignored), insults followed.
Truly, there was zero sense of social adjustment or emotional control from these guys. Even if they appeared normal at first, if you didn’t respond fast enough (or in the right way), they became an unhinged caveman or a scared little boy.
The whole thing was ironic. She was showing me these messages ostensibly to make me jealous or anxious about her ditching me if I didn’t commit. But with this sort of “competition,” I’d never felt more secure. What girl would want to get involved with that?
Understand, I’m not saying all of this to “white knight” or disparage men for the sake of it. I was needy as hell before I started this process of self-improvement, and see the same insecurities these guys have in myself — not to mention my clients, many of whom actually do these things (or at least did, before we started working together).
You can always change for the better, and looking back at an embarrassing version of yourself isn’t something to be ashamed of, it’s something to be proud of. That’s the epitome of progress. Get started today.
I just want to make a point here to the guys piling-on the modern female.
Have you looked in the mirror?
These are the women you deserve.
If you want to date high-quality women, you need to do better yourself.
And for reasons more profound than you think.
Why Women Mistreat Men
Some women are probably reading this post right now nodding their heads, others are furious and think I’m a misogynist. If you are one of the latter, know you don’t need to leave a comment telling me. I already know I have triggered your cognitive dissonance and you want to lash out. Close the tab instead and move on with your day. Depending on your brand of feminism, what comes next will only offend you more. Everybody else — especially you men — buckle up. We’re in for a ride.
Here’s the truth:
Western women have an attitude problem because Western men are weak and tolerate their bad behavior. Once you understand gender dynamics, you realize this is 110% our own fault.
The layers to this issue are deep; it’s a cultural rot that’s been occurring over generations, and it’s too long to cover here. But compare your grandfather in the Greatest Generation to your Baby Boomer father — and then think of how their respective wives behaved towards them — and you’ll start to get a visceral idea for what I’m talking about.
Women treat modern men with contempt because by and large they see nothing in them to respect. What the fuck does the modern man stand for — or better yet — stand against? Virtue signaling “movements” don’t count; understand our culture and subcommunication — unless you are at the tip of the spear, these are the definition of approval-seeking, not courage.
No: The modern man is mentally weak, sexually needy, physically soft, emotionally dependent, and devoid of any moral backbone. Modern women smell this like a shark smells blood in the water. And deep in the back of their hindbrain, they despise the modern man for it.
You as a lone wolf can stand out from the crowd of bearded children and have women respect and desire you, but you must do the opposite of these sheep and their conditioning. You need to show you are composed under pressure, have boundaries, care about cultivating a strong body and mind, and prove you are capable of taking the reigns. You must set standards and take risks. You must stop giving women respect simply by virtue of their gender, and instead give it if and when they deserve it.
In other words, you must respect yourself — and show it in your actions. There is no better metric than “will this make me respect myself more or less” to determine your behavior.
Fail to do this, and I’m sorry… you will never get the women you want.
Just the women you deserve.
Understand, women do not “try” for men they do not respect. To turn a woman and her femininity on you have to lead. Don’t get me wrong: women are perfectly capable of leading if they must. But they will hate you if you make them do it. It is not a matter of ability so much as desire.
(For the pedantic out there: Leadership is not micromanagement, it’s frame control. If you’re a good leader you’ll value her judgment, even delegate, especially on things she knows better than you. If you’re smart you’ll even screen the girls you date for this.)
Despite what most men love to claim, women are actually better at surviving than men. But there is nothing they despise more than being forced to take responsibility for their own survival in a relationship — and even worse — the survival of their partner. I use survival in the literal sense, but also in the general sense of “relating to life decisions.” The bearing of this unwanted burden has been the creator of man-haters since the beginning of time.
One of the most poignant passages summing this dynamic up can be found in The Grapes of Wrath. For those who don’t know, the book focuses on “The Great Migration,” and tells the story of a family that had moved from Oklahoma, which had become barren, to California in hopes of getting work. But the promises of abundant jobs were lies. They were basically forced to live in shacks with little food and hope to survive. It is a gut-wrenching story.
The men in this book were hard men — far from the modern man. They had worked on unforgiving land for generations, before the dust swallowed their livelihood up for good. They risked everything to come to California, and put themselves out there every day to find work. No job was beneath them. But at a certain point, their disappointment became too much. They broke. And when they broke, the women knew they had to take control to save the family, and they did so without hesitation. But they hated doing it, and afterwords they looked at their men with disdain.
This is the way it is. When men collapse in their role, women will take that role on. They always do. They are the final wall of a civilization. While a man might numb himself into a slow death or even blow his brains out after defeat, women get hard and endure. If you don’t lead, your women will do it for you, because women know someone has to — especially if there are children involved.
But she will not enjoy it, even if she tells herself otherwise. She will resent you for it — even if she asked for it, even if she says she wanted it, even if society tells her she wants it, even if her anger is buried so deep in her subconscious she doesn’t recognize it for what it is. When life challenged you, when she challenged you, she wanted you to prove her wrong — that you really could handle it; that you could lead. But you failed.
And so now she has to get serious, swallow her femininity, and press on.
If you’re still even allowed on the ride, don’t expect her to be grateful.
There’s only one way to turn things around.
Like Attracts Like, Change Begins With You
My wife is from Poland. For street cred, I could hide behind that brand and let every “woke” man on the internet imagine her to be a long-legged, domestic beauty who worships the ground I walk on. But while she might be long-legged and beautiful, she is far from the perfect little submissive angel guys fantasize about meeting when they go abroad, and our relationship is not exactly the “red-pill ideal.” She is loyal, traditional, clever, and affectionate, but also independent and outspoken (I love the first five parts; that last one, only occasionally). She is also incredibly successful.
Me? Not so much at the moment.
Which — as she would be the first to admit — is a major cause of friction in our relationship. I am simply not pulling my weight vis-a-vis her, and she hates it. She wants her man to be the stable, financial force in the family so she can relax and have fun — in other words, be feminine. My failure to do this makes her question my leadership and is a barrier to our polarity.
No doubt my ambition, ability to create romantic diversions, and my frame keeps her attracted enough. We haven’t killed each other (yet) and our sex life is busy and if anything improving. But you have to be neck deep in critical theory bullshit to think my lack of breadwinner-ness “doesn’t matter.” It matters — and it matters a hell of a lot more than it would if the situation was reversed. If I wasn’t compensating in other areas, and if we weren’t “conscious,” we’d be in big trouble.
Husbands want their wives to get jobs because they want (need) more money or they want them to stop being bored. Wives want their husbands to get jobs because a husband without a job is a burden. It doesn’t matter if they even need the money. It’s psychological. Unless she’s old and he’s top-tier arm candy, get the fuck out.
She may not want to feel that way, and you may not think it’s fair, but wiring is wiring. It’s there. And it cuts both ways. I feel how my role-failure impacts her respect for me, her attraction, and ultimately her behavior. A vicious cycle can result between my self-confidence and her attraction if I am not careful.
But I only have so much leverage to change how she acts towards me unless I change myself. There is no “one weird trick.” Your woman lets you penetrate her only to the same degree you penetrate your world.
I’m revealing this personal stuff because you need to realize: it all begins with you.
Even the most docile, deferent woman will nag you to death if you don’t take the lead. If you don’t take care of business — even if it is the burdens of leadership you despise like waiting on the phone with Verizon for 2 hours to explain they didn’t fix your internet again — you need to do it, because authority is earned, not given, and it transfers into every other part of the relationship.
You will only stop bad behavior and “tests” if she has no doubt that you mean what you say. If your no and your yes have weight. Smooth talk can disarm her instinct in the moment, which is why it’s great for one-off seduction. But action and reputation resonate with the subconscious, and the subconscious is where longterm relationship dynamics develop. You cannot fake your masculinity; you must show it in everything that you do.
Femininity is born out of surrender, but for her to surrender to you she must first trust you. If you don’t lead — or if you don’t lead with her in mind — you don’t get that trust. And so you don’t get the woman you dream of. She stays closed up, cheats, or leaves.
The women you get are the women you deserve.
The Women You Deserve: A Postlude
The road to victimhood is paved with recriminations. I am tired of hearing about the “flaws of modern women,” because however “bad” our women are, they are what they are because we — as fathers, brothers, boyfriends, and husbands — have fallen short. Get meta; ownership is the only way forward. And we have a lot of work to do.
For every woman with a self-absorbed attitude, there’s a desperate push-over waiting in the wings, willing to tolerate it in hopes she’ll love him like his mother and occasionally open her legs. We need to change ourselves if we want to change them. Every time we complain, we reassert that we are powerless; that we are dependent.
Time to stop making excuses.
Interact with a woman like a man, and you will watch her blossom. Most of the “crazy, unsalvageable” girls are in a temporary state of insanity because they’ve had to go so long without any masculine presence in their romantic lives. It’s the female version of the soulless look hen-pecked men have.
The few who are truly cancerous will make themselves apparent immediately, and you will avoid them, because like attracts like. Have standards, say “no” more (but then do what you say), and your love life will not only be fine, but more prosperous than you will ever have time to fully take advantage of.
East, west, north, south — wherever you happen be.
PS Many people are going to hate this article because it is too raw and slaughters too many sacred cows. But part of the process of transforming your dating life — and the world — is getting rejected and being ok with it. If you have problems with that, come see me for coaching. If you want the women you want, not just the women you deserve, you need to get this area handled. It’s never too late.
But it also never gets easier.