I once heard the story of some “legendary pick up artist” who completely obliterated approach anxiety.

I forget his name, but according to the story he didn’t shower or shave, let his hair grow out long, and wore only what was (at least in my memory) basically a black trash bag.

He looked homeless. Maybe worse.

Yet dressed like that, he’d go up to woman after woman day after day and ask them for sex.

It was a suicide mission. Who would ever TALK to someone gross like that, let alone sleep with them?

The answer: Pretty much nobody.

He got rejected over and over and over again. It was the story of his life for at least a month.

But he wasn’t upset.

After all… that rejection was the feature, not a bug.

It gave him the best gift a guy could ever ask for:

Elimination of approach anxiety.


Let’s keep in mind, I heard this story back in the “gold rush” days of pick up. Young rubes like myself were young, desperate, and naively fell for almost any extravagant story a marketer sold us about a guy who was SUPERHUMAN with women – a guy who could instantly get rid of approach anxiety – so we could buy his “secrets.” Who knows if it was true or not.

But still… real or not there was something to it.

Could you really get rid of approach anxiety by doing such an extreme thing? Was it really possible?

Methinks yes.

But not because of 80% of the things the guy (unnecessarily) did.

In-spite of them.

For instance:

– You don’t need to look like trash
– You don’t need to stop showering
– You don’t need to ask women for something 99/100 won’t give even an average looking guy on the spot

You just need to talk to women like you’re interested in them.

But here’s the catch.

You need to do it all the time.

It’s the fastest way to get rid of approach anxiety… though probably not for the reasons you’d think.

Pat Stedman’s Approach Anxiety Confessions

Let me let you in on a little secret.

(It’s embarrassing, and might make you think less of me as a coach… but here goes)

Despite knowing even more about women now than I did then, my approach anxiety is probably worse than it was a few years ago.

If you went out and told me, “Pat, go pick up that girl over there, show me what a pro you are”… I’d go do it of course, no problem. But I’d probably bomb it. And I’d probably even bomb the next approach too.

“What’s that you just said Patrick? You’re a dating coach, and you’re telling me – your dear reader who you are invariably trying to solicit services out of with this marvelous content – that you’d mess up trying to pick up a girl?”

Yep. That’s what I said.

Because it’s true.

(Like Abe Lincoln, I never tell a lie.)

Not because I don’t know how to pick up girls. I know more than 99% of guys out there on the subject, and have experienced more approaches than at least 90%.

So why do I still need to get rid of approach anxiety?

Simply put, I’m out of practice.

And it makes perfect sense.

I haven’t had to pick up a girl (seriously) in a long time, and considering I’m happily married I have no need to. That lack of practice means if you told me to go up to an attractive girl with the intention of making something sexual happen with her, I’d be dusting off some cobwebs… the result of which would be me being nervous and probably not showing up with as much calibration or smoothness as would be ideal. I’d need to get some “reps” in to truly get rid of approach anxiety (again).

Now, would my interactions be terrible? Not at all, I understand how to talk to women. They would just be a far cry at first from the shit I used to pull. It would take me a few interactions – maybe even a couple of sessions out – to bring my “flirting muscles” and mental state back to where they used to be and get rid of approach anxiety.

In other words, I would need to adapt myself to the environment if I wanted things to go well.

And it’s the same for you too.

Adaptation: What You Do Regularly, You Do Easily

The guy at the beginning of the article we discussed did some crazy things to get rid of approach anxiety and his fear of rejection. But the disgusting outfit he wore – it’s marketing value aside – was unnecessary and excessive.

In truth, all he needed to do was talk to women in a flirtatious way over and over again in order to get rid of approach anxiety.

All he needed was to make talking to women a regular thing in his life.

To adapt to a new reality.

There are many reasons why this is important. But the biggest one by far is that when you make something a new reality, you make it a habit.

It becomes a calcified mental state; something you do without thinking.

It becomes natural.

It becomes you.

This means you are in your head less, you are more congruent, and you are less anxious.

Think about it.

When approaching girls becomes a habit you don’t even have time to think about what she could possibly do to you or how she could reject you. You simply talk to girls all the time. There is nothing special about this interaction; nothing to worry about – it is normal.

Your brain is wired for it.

There is no need to get rid of approach anxiety, because approach anxiety hardly enters the mind.

It’s the same in any domain in life.

When I have a technical issue on my website and have to look into the code, the first few hours are hell. But by the end of the day, I am able to understand most everything I am looking at and adapt it with ease. I have rewired my brain, temporarily at least, to think technically.

If I don’t need to look at that code for awhile though… I’m going to forget things, and will need to go through 80-90% of the effort I went through before. I will need to “readapt” myself to the environment.

Just like with talking to women.

Do You Want To Get Rid Of Approach Anxiety? Remember The Beginning Will Take The Most Energy

Now here’s where we get brutally honest:

If talking to women is not a normal fixture of your life, there is at least a 75% you will not significantly improve with women, and almost a 100% chance you will not get rid of approach anxiety. And even if you do, it will have come at the cost of far more effort than was necessary.

Humans revert to what is most comfortable and familiar to them. And what will be most comfortable and familiar is what you do the most.

If you want to get rid of approach anxiety, you need to do it at the beginning… when it’s hard.

Yeah, it’ll suck at first. But the suck will be temporary – unlike if you hold yourself back and only occasionally dip your toes into the world of talking to women.

Trust me, a man who approaches women daily for 52 days straight will make exponential progress in his quest to get rid of approach anxiety compared to a man who approaches once a week for a whole year. I’ve done both of these approaches in my life – there is no comparison between the two. I made more progress doing the the former the summer of 2012 than I did in the previous 5 years of doing the latter.

Adapt your body and mind to talking to women and things will change for you fast. As in, within weeks – even days – you will start to get rid of approach anxiety.

Don’t worry about rejection one way or another. It will happen, of course, but your goal isn’t to get rejected, it is to make the approach a habit.

To make it easy.

Try it out.

You will get rid of approach anxiety, and your dating life will become better than you ever could have imagined.

– Pat