Yesterday I invited a longtime friend of mine to a party I was having to celebrate the progress of my company.  I received back a prompt, albeit indirect, response from him that he wasn’t going to make it:

“He’s a jobless ivy league fuck that only ever had jobs due to connections. He got matched up with a tranny fuck and now I’m supposed to listen to his recycled life advice? Fuck off”

(apparently he mixed up the subject and the recipient of his message, poor fellow)

That’s a lot of hate from someone who’s known you forever.  How to make sense of it?

First off by acknowledging the truth.

And the truth is the comment hurts because so much of it is true.

For instance:

Jobless.  I quit my job a little less than a year ago today, and up until this past February I didn’t even have my company’s website up.  I felt anxious and insecure about my situation, and frequently felt like I was a total failure.  Even with a full roster of paying clients I’m still working through this.  The stigma of employment = manliness hits hard.  I’m grateful I had the fortune to have enough support that I could still live a comfortable life and travel despite that, something I know the vast majority of America let alone the world couldn’t do.

Ivy League fuck.  I’m a smart guy on my own accord, but I’ve also lived a privileged life.  I’ve been given every advantage you can ask for – caucasian, ivy league educated, no student loans, extremely loving parents, enough money for opportunities but not enough for laziness, intellectual and cultural capital, and of course a network of smart, successful people who not only support me but inspire and challenge me on a regular basis.  I’m grateful everyday for having it so much easier than 99% of the world.

Only had jobs due to connections.  After having a hard time finding work in 2010, my first serious job came from my best friend’s uncle.  I worked my ass off to prove that I wasn’t just hired out of nepotism, but the thought always haunted me that I wasn’t really qualified.  Even when I got promoted twice for my hard work I knew that I was still extremely fortunate to have even had the opportunity.

Matched up with a Tranny fuck. A bit of a stretch on his part considering my fiancee does not physiologically have balls, however, I suppose she metaphorically does because she doesn’t tolerate shit from anybody (including him).  Attractive, smart, and successful, she’s also sweet and playful like the most stereotypically desired feminine women, making her a combination of strength and seduction not many men are lucky to get.  Every day I thank the universe for putting her in my life because I know I’d be 100% behind on my game without her.

Listen to his recycled life advice.  This one perhaps rings true the most.  Everything I’m saying on this site and to my clients has been said before by better, wiser people, yet I’m still trying to make a living off of it.  What makes me an expert at helping people through their dating and relationship issues?  Why should anybody care what I have to say?  What do I even contribute to the world?

What indeed.

It’s easy to feel like a piece of shit after hearing all of these (the one glaring exception aside) truths.  And it’s even easier to let that feeling fuel a mean, comparably truthed-up response to him to level the playing field and wipe out his confidence.

It would be easy to do.  It would be fair to do.  It might even be entertaining.  God knows we love a good old fashioned ego battle considering “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” is so popular.

But is it smart?


Better to feel the tinge of pain, embrace it, recognize the truth in it, and then send love right back.

Here’s why:

The truth about me is even more true about him.

Lez me explain.

Too often people forget to recognize before they draw swords that the mean old man is already in a lot of pain.

For instance, a little backstory on my amigo:

He hasn’t been able to hold down a job for more than a month or two over the past 4 years.

He almost failed out of college.

His negative attitude and work ethic ensured, despite his considerable network, that no one would recommend him for a job so he feels disadvantaged.

He objectifies and doesn’t appreciate women so women treat him terribly, making him resent them.

He hates the advice he asks me for because it always makes him confront the ways in which he’s been destroying his life.

So what’s my point?

Not to rub it in since he doesn’t read this blog (cause my advice sucks, obvs)

It’s that my friend doesn’t really hate me.  He hates himself.

Everything he found in me to hate are things he feels deficient in.

It’s in some ways a perverse form of flattery, because if I hadn’t been doing well he wouldn’t care at all.  Still, there are better ways for him to flatter me than being a dick. The best and my favorite of them is imitation.

Such as:

Imitating my beliefs about being a creator instead of a victim.

Imitating the way I treat all women like beautiful amazing human beings who don’t owe me anything.

Imitating the way I’m grateful for everyone and everything in my life.

And most importantly, imitating – or “recycling,” if you prefer – the thoughts and actions I’ve imitated from those far more impressive and prolific than me.

(aka imitating success)

Unfortunately that has not yet come to pass.

But my dear readers, you need not wait for him.

You can stop taking what other people say and do personally right now.  You can stop thinking that it has anything to do with you.

Cause chances are, it doesn’t.  

You talk to a girl and she blows you off?

It’s not about you.

Your girlfriend is giving you a hard time?

It’s not about you.

Your GrubHub order is spicy when you said not spicy?

It’s not about you.

Probably the last guy that girl talked to made her feel uncomfortable and you talking to her is triggering that discomfort.

Probably your girlfriend feels unattractive and is just blaming you for not making the feeling go away.

Probably your Thai restaurant’s chef is going through a divorce and isn’t really paying attention to his cooking instructions.

Not about you.

So next time someone tells you you’re a piece of shit? Next time you feel the hate well up inside?

It’s not about you.

It’s about them.

Their reality.  Their feelings.  Their world.

And if they strike gold when it comes to calling out your bullshit, chances are they’re well aware of it existing in their own lives.

People are self-centered.  And yes, everything they say and do can be used against you in the court of life.

But it still has nothing to do with you.  And if you even think it might be otherwise it just proves how self-centered you really are.

So my little drooglings take heed; the old adage is true.

It’s really not you.  It’s them.

Haterz gonna hate.

And ain’terz gonna ain’t.

Love (not hate),

PS If you, my friend, do end up reading this somehow know I still love you.  But your life is never going to turn around until you learn to love yourself.