I had a story relayed to me yesterday about a guy who we will call Kyle.
Kyle is struggling. He was homeschooled and got constant validation from his parents that he was never weaned off of. As a result, he is extremely insecure.
In social situations, he commonly brings up the hot girls he’s sleeping with, how many chicks are into him, or whatever hot girl reached out to him via Instagram.
He LOVES to tell people about this because then they’ll think he’s cool. Which they don’t, because anyone who’s met him sees through this facade in a second.
Right now he is on the classic passport bro journey, enjoying life in another country. Most of the girls he gets with are sluts in the classic sense of the word. They only sleep with him because he projects an image of being rich.
Two stories in particular stand out.
A few months ago, he flew a girl in to visit him on his birthday. In the lead up, he told his friends they used to date.
However, the night of his birthday, it came out that they didn’t actually date. She was furious and creeped out, asking him why he’d say this when it wasn’t true.
Kyle is so deep in his delusion that he told his friends she was “going through some trauma while we were dating and must have forgotten or repressed their relationship.”
That is some ***top tier rationalization*** right there.
He’d set this whole trip up as a chance to “get back together”… when they’d never been together!!!
The night got weirder and weirder. By the end, she was flirting with someone else and he was on the verge of crying.
The same type of dynamic occurred again more recently.
A girl he’d been seeing got a boyfriend. Most men would ditch her at that point. But he reached out and asked to meet up. Trekked an hour to meet her. And then sat at the park for half an hour before messaging her asking where she was.
She responded that they hadn’t confirmed the plans.
My guess is he didn’t try to confirm because he knew she’d cancel.
He’s now making excuses and saying “she did stand me up… but I was 70% responsible because I didn’t message her that day.”
It gets worse. He’s not done yet. Now he’s at the point where he’s saying “let me just reach out to her one more time so I can get closure.” In his words…
“But I can’t just ignore her and let her get away with that behavior.
I SHOULD SCOLD HER.”
She disrespected him and didn’t show up and she has a boyfriend.
That should be enough.
Closure is a bullshit term.
I deal with clients all the time who want closure – meaning one last chance to disrespect themselves – and although it’s important for them to make their own mistakes, I warn them so they’re aware of what their mind is doing.
If someone you knew was addicted to heroin and said they were going to do it one last time for closure, you’d think they were a complete moron.
This is not much different.
The closure is she has a boyfriend and he should move on.
Deep down, it’s clear that Kyle’s entire validation mechanism is broken. He can’t validate himself so he needs to delude himself and boost himself up when talking to friends, all to feel accepted.
It’s transparent and annoying.
These are behaviors that people laugh off when you’re 20 but are major red flags when you’re 30.
Seeking validation doesn’t just mess up your dating life… it looks disgusting and/or annoying to those in your social life.
Of course, Kyle does not think he has issues. There’s no awareness of his neediness, he thinks “everything is fine.”
After coaching hundreds of men one-on-one… I’ve heard these delusions many times before. It’s kind of tragic, honestly. If more men were aware of their need for validation, they might be ready to fix it. Yet being blinded to the problem makes it impossible to solve. Kyle is doomed to repeat his mistakes until his dating life really goes down the toilet, and something gives.
But this email is not meant to be a roast of Kyle, though his foibles might bring a chuckle.
He is a nice guy. He is smart. He’s just got these glaring weaknesses that are screwing up his life.
And as ridiculous as this story sounds, I know someone reading this is in a similar boat right now.
LOTS of you have been in similar situations recently.
I know — many guys with these exact problems will close this email and go on with their day thinking “what a loser.”
But for a few of you, this could be the wakeup call where you ask: where am I seeking validation in a way that is totally ruining my life? What unhealthy emotional habits do I have? And where would I be if I resolved them?
When you start asking those questions… and want answers, you’re ready to work with me.
