Most people reading the title probably wonder how this is even a question.
Obviously you don’t want a “stressful” relationship. Your relationship should be easy.
But the truth is that not all stress is created equally.
When we say “I’m stressed,” we tend to mean things aren’t going well. It usually means that we feel burdened by something we can’t escape — something that is harassing us and dragging us down.
This is typically what we call chronic stress — or to be more specific,bad stress, or distress.
But there is another form of stress too: eustress. This is a more acute, situational stress. And if you understand the prefixes — actually means good stress.
And this makes sense if you think about it. Stress is tension, and tension is always going to be present with challenge. It is the gateway to growth.
So do you want stress in a relationship? Well, that depends.
The best and the worst relationships BOTH have moments of stress. So just because you feel stressed in your relationship, it doesn’t mean the relationship is wrong.
What characterizes a bad relationship is chronic distress. It is you having your energy drained on a regular basis. It is near-constant drama and disconnect without progress or purpose.
Toxic relationships are defined by distress. In these you will go months or years (sometimes decades) simply suffering. Nothing is learned, and nothing is gained. It’s a parasitic dynamic.
Dynamic relationships, however, are defined by regular bouts of eustress. Things will be good — enjoyable, fun, easy — but then hard, frustrating, and challenging. There will be difficult conversations and disagreements, and sometimes serious emotional turmoil. But it is constructive stress. It might be painful, but it’s temporary — and ultimately leads to greater self-awareness, growth, and transformation.
My point in this short little email is simple.
A lot of guys get disheartened when difficulties arise in their relationship. They think any kind of interruption of calm — either from the blissful honeymoon phase, or from years of drama-free docility — means it isn’t going to work out with the girl.
But what I want to tell you is that many times, this belief is wrong, and really just a sign of immaturity or lack of perspective.
Having issues with the woman you’re with is not necessarily a bad sign or something to catastrophize about. You’re different people, and have your own personalities and flaws. It was inevitable at some point you would have some kind of tension. This tension is often good, because it not only ends up shining light on weaknesses you have and desires you want fulfilled, but can transform the relationship and take it to another level.
What you need to watch out for are the chronic issues. The fights that lead nowhere, the stonewalling, accusations, and abuse that simply poison your dynamic.
Sometimes a relationship is doomed to have chronic issues because of the individuals in it; whether it’s you or her, or the two of you together. There are some seriously pathological women out there, and if you commit to one of them, you’re going to be in for a world of hurt. There’s not much to do but leave.
But this is less common than you’d think. Usually chronic issues are just acute ones that were never addressed.
Which is why if you’re having issues with your woman you might want to do coaching.
Most serious relationships going through fights aren’t simply salvageable, they can be turned into passionate partnerships with the right introspection and guidance. But whether or not this happens depends on how you respond to the fights.
Do you view them as opportunities to grow closer together? Ways to learn and expand yourself? Or do you view them as fundamental, irreconcilable differences, and that the problem is entirely her?
Your attitude determines 9/10 times whether conflict with your woman becomes the biggest gift your relationship ever received — a eustress event — or whether it becomes a weight that wears you down for years and potentially ends everything. And so much of that attitude depends on getting out of your ego and understanding exactly what is going on. It requires humility, because it’s only humility that allows you to let go of what doesn’t serve and change.
And unfortunately, humility is something that usually happens to us, rather than something we choose to live by. That is why we it’s far more common to say someone was humbled, rather than humble.
I was humbled by the federal government after January 6th, when I told the FBI who had started rounding up protestors: “fuck you, come get me.” They came and got me all right! But even though the political persecution never broke my spirit, it did give me perspective on power, and how little I really had. I needed to exercise more prudence going forward.
I was also humbled by the relationship issues I started experiencing in 2022. Here I was a coach, yet my own marriage was having problems?
My ego didn’t like the idea of getting help and being critiqued. Not being perfect made me feel I wasn’t just failing as a husband, but as a coach. But I clearly was missing something, so I swallowed my pride and got help.
The result of these shifts in perspective and behavior led to an absolutely amazing relationship in 2023 that has continued to thrive two years later, despite a year of federal prison.
The takeaway of all this?
If you’re having issues in your relationship, don’t panic — address them. And ideally before they become a chronic problem and poison your dynamic permanently. Because yes, that can really occur. If you wait too long, it can get so bad, practically speaking you can’t come back.
Pride goes before the fall for a reason: pride is stagnation. Pride stops growth and progress.
So keep this in mind. Because at some point in your life, you are going to have to decide whether you care more about your ego or your happiness.
I can’t help people who want to live by the former.
