One of the most infamous and ridiculed expressions in the manosphere is the normie exhortation: “happy wife, happy life.”

And it’s ridiculed for good reason. In most contexts, it’s a justification for a man in a relationship to appease his woman at the expense of his self-respect. It is placation. He needs to do everything in his power to make his woman happy, or else his own life will be miserable.

So many have turned this around, and said instead “happy life, happy wife.” The implication here is that if you are self-satisfied and doing fun, exciting things, your woman will be happy. So you don’t need to worry about her.

There’s definitely some truth to this. But in all honesty I actually tend to agree more with the “happy wife, happy life” trope than the latter.

I just disagree with the way guys interpret it.

First things first:

It is NOT your job to make your woman “happy”

In fact, it is not your job to make anybody happy.

People are responsible for their own happiness.

And trying to take that responsibility away from them is a futile act. Because an unhappy person will always default to unhappiness, no matter way you do. Indeed, they will very often resent you for NOT being unhappy.

Nevertheless, the trope is correct. Having a happy wife WILL ensure you have a happy life. Or to be more logically correct, it is at least difficult to have a happy life if you have an unhappy wife.

So what does it mean?

Get yourself a happy woman.

Which is why it is so strange that of all the various criteria guys put out there for women, you almost never see this one.

Because men fundamentally misunderstand how a woman affects their energy.

Yes, it is nice to have a woman cook and clean. This spares you energy in a very physical, linear sense.

But an unhappy woman is CONSTANTLY draining energy from you. She is a black hole, an endless pit.

It literally does not matter what else a woman does if she is constantly in a bad mood and being miserable. She is dead weight.

So I strongly recommend guys screen for this in women from the very beginning of dating. Remember that if a woman is negative even in the honeymoon phase, you are in for a world of hurt afterwords.

But what to do if you’ve already committed to a negative woman? Or what if a woman didn’t used to be unhappy, but over time has become critical?

The important thing to understand — and I don’t think this is ever really discussed in the manosphere — is that when women are critical and negative, it is because they feel this way towards themselves.

Psychological projection is not distinct to women. And yet that extra bit of solipsism women have means that when they feel negative, they are even more likely to project responsibility for that negativity outwards.

Most men handle this terribly, because they approach the negativity as a direct attack on them. They either withdraw from the woman, and/or criticize her behavior.

This is understandable, yet completely ineffective. Because both of these responses lower a woman’s self-esteem further.

Withdrawing attention from a woman makes her feel like you do not care about her, which intensifies feelings of worthlessness. And attacking her obviously makes her feel the same.

So what you need to do — if you care about improving the relationship — is stop viewing her as an enemy, and to help build her up instead.

Remember, the feminine grows by PRAISE. Praise what you love and appreciate about her. And address her behavioral issues assuming good faith on her end, directing the conversation away from her being “bad” and towards how it makes you feel.

(Read: 3 Steps To Effective Communication Skills by Dovid Feldman)

Essentially, stop viewing her as a problem… which is probably how she already views herself.

A woman’s self-esteem is directly connected to how lovable she views herself. Her perception of this is in many ways set by the ways men in her past have treated her. Negative behavior pushing you away is in many ways a defense mechanism, to prevent herself from being hurt again.

It’s up to you whether or not you want to work with this or not. But keep in mind all women have some degree of wounds that will come out. You will never have a happy wife unless you have some degree of compassion for her.

I know. Easier said than done.

Which is why if you are struggling with an “unhappy wife,” you might want to consider working with me.

Navigating not only her emotions but your own is challenging. You will likely want to retaliate against her. After all, that’s what the red pill tells you to do.

But I guarantee you if you’re looking for a passionate, intimate relationship this is the WRONG approach. And will at best grant you some tactical success.

You need to offer her love at the same time as boundaries. Otherwise you are simply “winning” a power game that in reality has no winners.

Apply here if you want my help:

I’m not cheap. But I’m much less expensive than a divorce.

– Pat