A lot of guys are insecure about how good they are in bed. And given the culture we’re in, it’s understandable.
The media tells men their value with women is based on their sexual prowess, and porn reinforces the message. So when guys find themselves in an intimate situation, the pressure on them to perform is huge, and their internalized shame is just waiting for them to fuck up. The result is one of the trifecta: not being able to get it up, not being able to cum, or cumming too quickly… leaving an embarrassed man, and often a disappointed woman.
There are many approaches to dealing with these issues… and I’ve talked about them in the past. Kegels (and reverse-kegels!) to help with control, redirecting focus to manage tension better, and clearing out sexual shame to reduce anxiety.
All of these things work, and I go into them with clients.
But the most effective approach is one rarely talked about. Even though it is tried and true, and over enough time results in nearly a 100% success rate.
Practice.
Let me ask you a question:
Are you nervous about driving a car? Riding a bike? Walking down a flight of stairs?
Almost certainly you are not, because you have done it enough that it becomes second nature to you.
The same applies to sex. Most guys are bad in bed because they are inexperienced in bed. They haven’t done it enough, and most crucially, they haven’t done it enough with the same person to get comfortable with it.
There is an art and a science to sex. The science is knowing the mechanics, but the art is rhythm, vibe, feeling into the energy of a woman and synching with her, knowing what she wants and when she wants it.
A master may be able to do this with a new girl; he may have the sample size to know how a woman moves, where she is at — he can connect with her, and pace her, ascertaining what turns her on and what doesn’t relatively quickly. A master has the confidence to step into the unknown with this woman unfazed, because he has been with enough women to know that while this one is unique, she is not totally uncharted territory. He has climbed many mountains before, this one may be new, but it’s not intimidating.
But a man who isn’t a master does himself — and the women he pursues — a great disservice by taking on a series of one night stands. He will not have the experience to synch with a woman on such a brief occasion, and will likely suffer from performance issues as each new girl is totally uncharted territory. He will be nervous, and is sex will reflect it.
This man is much better spending time learning sex from *one* woman; a woman who he trusts will be patient with him and accepting.
This is why people who get married without much sexual experience nevertheless tend to report high levels of sexual satisfaction. It’s not because they “don’t know what they’re missing,” it’s because they are more likely to hold space for each other so they can actually get good at having sex.
The issue is that when we talk about having sex, a once every week or two booty call doesn’t cut it. If you are particularly nervous, you need to be having sex multiple times per week. It needs to happen enough that you stop thinking about it. Eventually you WILL get desensitized and your anxiety will decline, and you will learn your way around your woman’s body. Your performance WILL improve.
And with this improvement comes confidence and experience, that gives you a leg up with other women in the future (if you so choose to move on).
Obviously a fantastic option is to get into a committed relationship. Presumably you and this woman will have a strong connection, which will make you feel more comfortable with her from the outset. I cannot understate how important this comfort is; if you don’t feel emotionally safe with a woman, your performance will suffer dramatically.
But let’s be honest: it’s not always easy to attract Tier 1 women, especially when you’re insecure and likely sabotaging your dating life. Which leaves you with two other options:
Less attractive women, and older women.
When I say less attractive I don’t mean unattractive. That will also make it hard for you to perform (for a different reason!)
I am talking about “below commitment threshold women” like 6s, maybe even 5s. Women who are cute or OK that you feel comfortable with but that you aren’t totally into. Yet who find you very attractive. Same applies to older women (10+ years), who are confident in bed and may find it appealing to “teach” younger you.
Because of the difference in your sexual value vs theirs, you have a lot of leeway to suck in this area. You can spend months with these women and gain a masterclass in sex, and they are happy to provide it.
Now, will this translate over perfectly in the future with more attractive women you are considering for longer-term potential?
Not necessarily. You may get extra nerves with a “9” at first because you perceive her above you.
But you will nevertheless overcome this anxiety FAR faster than you would without this prior experience. Because your body will know what it’s like to perform, and still know how to give a woman a good time.
As they say, practice makes perfect.
And if you want help practicing?
I won’t be whispering in your ear in the bedroom.
But I will be available to talk outside of it, so you can troubleshoot problems quickly.
And be well on your way to becoming a “sex god”…
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
