Viral post went around the other day, and my comment drew some interesting responses:
Probably the main response? “This is pretty much all marriages today, good luck”
I admit I was a little surprised by this. Though I know I shouldn’t be.
A lot of guys have been through nasty divorces. And there’s no doubt that hearing stories like this brings up old pain.
They KNOW what it’s like to live with a woman who is indifferent to their feelings and their needs. They know what it’s like to be disrespected. And then — as if to add insult to injury — they know what it’s like to have a corrupt legal system take at least half for the privilege.
But here’s the thing… and I’ve said this for years…
MARRIAGE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHY THIS GUY IS MISERABLE
When I read this story, the first thing that comes to mind is: this guy has “nice guy syndrome” on steroids, and because of his own victim-complex, he married/created an abusive woman.
Did modern marriage cause this dynamic? Is there really a belief that if we rewound things to 1950, this relationship would be healthier?
Please get out of fantasy land and deal with reality. If we lived in a society where divorce was difficult and women were expected to “serve a man” — this woman would *at best* do what the guy said without pleasure.
There would be an obligatory blow job. Followed by an obligatory breakfast. Followed by obligatory cleaning and caring for the kids.
She would say, “yes dear” but look at him with thinly veiled contempt. And he would still feel like shit, because he knew that while he might be able to control her actions, he could never control her heart.
I am not excusing this woman’s behavior. She’s a bitch. But he is her bitch. That is his choice — a product of his pattens, and his disinterest in doing anything different.
Were he to get divorced, he would probably feel better. But he wouldn’t feel great. He would still be lonely. He would just have the short-term improvement of not having to deal with his own attachment issues and emotional pain.
Even if he were to learn to attract women and date around, he would only get part of what he was looking for. He’d farm validation — get women to project a fantasy onto him. And he’d enjoy the fruits of their fantasy, doing his best to keep them at arms length so he wouldn’t get “trapped” with one of them again.
He’d feel better, knowing he could get sex. But intimacy would remain elusive. Because the pain and fear of getting too close to a woman would still be there.
The marriage is an opportunity to break out of this pattern. It’s a place where he can finally learn to tell the truth, to express his needs — and yes, to fight.
If the marriage falls apart, he will emerge a man capable of establishing a better relationship and not making the same mistakes with women.
But his life will improve not because he’s not married, but because he will not be the same man he was during it.
You are welcome to do with this information as you will. It is not my responsibility to force anybody to deal with their problems.
You can view marriage as a burden, or as an opportunity to face yourself on the most intimate level. To rot or to ascend.
Up to you.
But if you want help alchemizing your pain into power…
Apply to work with me here: www.patstedman.com/application