Got a couple of good responses to a recent email I wanted to address.
I think this is generally right on but here with a one year old? You may be missing what goes on in new mother’s physiology, it’s like a recovering drug addict for *a lot* of these women.
I don’t have any kids (yet) so I can’t speak to this from experience… but from everything I’ve heard, this sounds right… and must be accepted.
It’s important to have empathy for the changes childbirth and early childrearing does to a woman’s body and her priorities.
Expectations of her “responsiveness” may be present that are not realistic, and should be managed accordingly.
However, at risk of being “misogynistic,” I think it’s also worth noting that many (too many) women subconsciously view childbirth as a “get out of shape” free card, and as an excuse to stop putting effort in, because the guy “has to” be OK with it… unless he’s an “asshole.”
This is a form of guilt and manipulation, and we need to be cautious about excusing it (along with the somewhat low sexual activity).
My guess is there’s some middle ground here — the guy is getting extra attention from other women, so he’s getting resentful in spite of the circumstances (and his own baggage, as we mentioned before)… but his wife has also gotten a bit complacent in light of the birth.
If she were in the process of trying to lose the weight, and made sure sex was a priority, I’d expect he’d feel a bit differently about it.
There are always two sides. Be nuanced as always.
Onto the next point:
One line struck me in your email from your client:
“I’ve started and have been hitting the gym regularly for 4 years get lean (so wife would sex more).”
This is something I see with a lot of guys and a mistake I have been making for a while.
You know the “dancing monkey”
Do this and that so she is more eager to put out. She’s the master you have to please so she gives you her gifts.
It’s a dangerous mindset to better yourself for HER. People should better themselves for THEMSELF.
This comes from @selfconquering — a must-follow account.
And his comment is entirely well met.
I didn’t note it in the original email, because I overindulge tangents as it is.
But the line between AWARENESS of the effect a “self-improvement” will have over your interactions with women, and the INTENTION of doing it to get said results is subtle but profound.
Because if you are doing things with an agenda in mind, you are going to find yourself building expectations on her response.
And this is not only neediness… but a very repressed way of expressing your needs.
But you can’t grow FOR a woman to get what you want FROM a woman.
Women seek men who are self-directed.
The problem with “nice guys” is not that they’re “nice,” it’s that everything they do has an agenda.
Anyway, I think you get the message.
Apply here if you want to eliminate these beliefs: www.patstedman.com/application