Had a conversation with a client the other day, where a very common problem I’ve seen presented itself.
Said client was looking for a high quality girl in his community. Unfortunately, these girls are pretty tough to find in his area. So when one he hadn’t heard of was recommended by a friend, he was very intrigued.
This girl was very attractive, and from a high-profile family in the community.
And so my client — being very direct (he is a military guy, after all) — messaged her on facebook and asked her for a date.
As you can imagine, this didn’t end very well.
The girl had no idea who he was, and politely declined.
(I wish he had asked me before he did it, but making mistakes is the best way to learn!)
He was frustrated with her response at first.
“Why would I want to be with a girl who doesn’t even want to get to know me?”
That is, until I explained the problem.
Because he imagined they’d be perfect together, he didn’t anticipate her response.
From his standpoint, this girl was a perfect fit for him. So why wouldn’t she be interested in at least getting to know him?Unfortunately, this mindset doesn’t take into consideration a key variable: Her.
The truth is that they very well could have been a good couple. My client is smart, attractive, and honorable — objectively there are few tangible barriers blocking them from being together.
But as a guy, you need to keep your fantasies in check and pace the girl’s emotions if you want to win her over.
Shooting her a message on facebook and going straight for the kill doesn’t give her any chance to feel comfortable or develop interest.
And it also diminishes your value in her eyes, because YOU don’t really know her, and asking her on a date reveals you already have her on a pedestal.
Understand:
The logic you craft around you and a girl being together doesn’t matter. Women are not attracted to what makes sense, they’re attracted to how you make them feel.
After you make them feel a certain way, all that logic is great — because it provides fuel for her fantasy. Comfort amplifies attraction, but it doesn’t create it.
(Indeed, when you imagine you and a girl being together because it “makes sense,” that’s your own rationalization; you found her attractive before all of that)
Anyway, the point of all of this is… put yourself in her shoes before you make your move.
Remember your interest might be there, but the seed has not yet been planted in her mind. The best way you can plant and nurture that seed determines your strategy.
You are direct about your intentions in a cold approach simply because the context demands it. There is no other reason you would talk to this girl on the street besides for your interest in her.
But even then… you need to check the boxes of desire and comfort before you go for the number and the date.
You’ve got to “ease your way in” in more ways than one with women.
In this case with my client, the ideal move would have been to invite her to a community event, to be casual in communication… to find a pretext to be together, and then to create attraction there, in person.
That way it could “just happen.”
Tough situation now. Space and serendipity will be the main ways to change her impression and thus the dynamic.
(Any aggressive moves now will come across as creepy)
The good news?
Nothing real was lost. And a big lesson learned.If you want to grow in the same way, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application
– Pat
