I recently learned an acquaintance of mine is having an affair.
Fortunately, right now it’s mostly emotional. There’s been just a few brief episodes of kissing — nothing more.
But he’s really on the precipice. Things can’t stay in limbo: he’s either going to end this dalliance, or he’s going to indulge it.
And once he indulges it his relationship won’t ever recover.
Sounds pretty shitty, I know.
So why is any of this good?
Well, most of it of course isn’t. But there is one very big silver lining:
The affair exists because of deeper problems in the relationship that were never resolved… and now they are brought to light.
You see, this acquaintance was quite emasculated in his relationship.
Not the breadwinner. Not even close, really.
But more important even than the money, his own agency was run roughshod over for awhile.
No, he wasn’t a “beta bitch” — he messes with his girlfriend a lot, and is quite a charismatic guy.
But on a more macro-level, he’s not been directing the relationship.
“Lost his mojo” so to speak.
This “other woman” expressing interest in him has reminded him of his power.
Which is GOOD.
But there is a TRAP here gentlemen.
One I beseech you to be aware of, in case similar circumstances befall you in the future.
DO NOT BELIEVE THIS OTHER WOMAN REPRESENTS ANYTHING OTHER THAN A FANTASY OF THE POWER AND LOVE YOU LACK
The thing is, this guy is starting to fall into the mindset trap that this woman “really gets him” unlike his girlfriend.
Which is BULLSHIT.
It’s all girl game.
Both him and this girl (who also has a long-time boyfriend) are FANTASIZING with each other.
And more even than that:
He is using this other girl as a passive-aggressive outlet to feel powerful in the relationship, rather than take TRUE agency and separate himself from an unhealthy dynamic.
This is dense, I know, so to be clear…
When you have an imbalanced dynamic with a woman, you will naturally seek rebalancing. And if you do not deal directly with the difference in gravity between you and your girlfriend, for instance, you will rebalance it by bringing another party in to “stabilize the orbit.”
It’s literally the same as in physics.
Which is why 99/100 times when the primary relationship falls apart, so does the affair. Because the affair was only empowering when the primary relationship’s gravity “held down the fort.”
The point is this:
Any woman you are tempted to have an affair with is NOT special, she is literally just filling an energetic gap you have created through weakness and neglect in your relationship.
And if you want to have a good life, you need to deal with the MAIN issue — which is that gap in the primary relationship.
Maybe your girlfriend really is the issue. But it’s always also you, at least in part.
Control as many variables on your end as you can.
Get in shape. Develop autonomy and agency. Eliminate guilt and the power of other “control emotions” over you.
And to make sure you’re really covering all of your bases?
Work with me.
Because even if you can see where you have problems (though chances are you’re blind to some of them).
Working through them is much much easier and much much faster when you have an objective advisor to tell you the harsh truths.
And not just any advisor… but one who’s been through literally the same stuff, both with himself and scores of other clients.
Anyway, not sure why I’m talking in third person.
If you want my help, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application