A reader writes in:

Hey Pat Morning mate. I was reading some of your stuff on your webpage on dynamics I understand it from an early POV or mid POV in a relationship, but im questioning if suppose you’re in a  long relationship +7-10 yrs what happens if embers die down how does a man rekindle that? I mean she knows your habits, your behaviors, your go to things to make her happy, how do you do that?

Also I was doing some reading on the art of seduction by rob greene. I dont think his approaches can work on old relationships as it comes down to basically withholding and tethering attention from what i read.


First off, no offense to Robert Greene, but PSA to everyone here: don’t listen to his guides if you want practical advice. “The 48 Laws of Power” and “The Art of Seduction” are distilled principles… they expand your awareness of human nature (perhaps) but if we’re being honest, the books are mostly over-glamorized “machiavellian” larping. Half the laws contradict each other, which is of course accurate, but ergo useless for most people who don’t have enough exposure to situational nuance.

If you want to learn machiavellianism or seduction, read biographies of Talleyrand, Casanova or other such people so you can understand applicability in context. Which is why the only Robert Greene book I recommend is the 50th Law — it shows principles through the rise of 50 Cent, which is more interesting and useful.

Anyway, big digression there… onto the essence of question:How do you seduce a long time girlfriend / wife?

Well… first off let’s talk about what seduction actually is.

Seduction is encouraging a person’s fantasies, and getting them to associate the realization of their fantasies with you.

It’s getting a woman to view you with her sexual and romantic dreams.

(If you want to read about it in depth, I wrote about this on my blog awhile back)

Seduction is thus very powerful because there are few things more powerful at “hacking” someone’s mind than a fantasy

(It’s why VR, etc. is so dangerous for untrained minds…)

But, seduction comes at a cost.Persuading a woman you are her fantasy guy is, well, a fantasy.

You are a human. In contrast to a fantasy ideal… you are NOT perfect.

Which means that over a couple of months, certainly years, the illusion of yourself that brought her in will begin to collapse… leading to the end of the “honeymoon phase,” and often from there, passion (and very often the relationship itself).

What to do?

There are two options, which are not mutually exclusive.

The first is to use things like erotic hypnosis to play further with a woman’s fantasies, and get her fantasy world reengaged by you.

The second is to transition your relationship away from fantasy-fixation and towards reality.

To see each other as real people, who challenge yet love each other… and to build intimacy around that.To create tension through leaning more into your respective poles of masculinity and femininity.

In short, however, it’s both of you fundamentally rejecting a relationship based on fantasy, only leveraging it tactically as a sort of “play” and deeper trust the two of you can cultivate.

Anything else?


Because you can’t go back to an illusion… nor should you want to.

Which is incidentally one of the big secrets professional “players” avoid telling you.

They don’t stay single simply because it’s more for fun for them to sleep with girls.

They do it because THEY struggle in relationships themselves. Real intimacy is out of their comfort zone.

Once their fantasy veil drops… women see that the “emperor has no clothes.”

And these guys’ egos can’t handle it.

Neil Strauss, for all this shit people have given him, understood this. His crisis was in realizing the interactions he had were based on a fakeness.

Which is why I give him credit.

The seducer seduces himself as much as the woman, when he gives himself so much power over her.

Giving that power up for something real ain’t easy.

It requires a LOT of humility… and vulnerability.

But the result is internal peace and satisfaction. Meaning.

And a deep love… not only for a certain woman, but for yourself.

Not for all of you perhaps.

Dating is indeed fun, which is why I teach you how to excel at it.

But I also help you to dig deeper into yourself… to find out the real you, and to come to terms with him.

Which to me is the ultimate journey… far more so than any mastery with women.

(Hint: most of you think you’re on the latter, when you’re really looking for the former)

Anyway, if you’re interested in embarking on it, apply here: www.patstedman.com/application

– Pat