Another day, another big Twitter argument with “that” corner of the internet.
And all because of a little bitty quote of mine from Monday’s email Rivelino (@alpharivelino) sent out:
“Ethical players must stay away from decent girls, or must change their ways and date them seriously. You are scum otherwise, no matter what you tell yourself.”
This tweet jarred many people (including supporters)… so I feel I must explain.
First, there was no insinuation in the quote that women can’t sleep with who they’d like.
(Though it is a curious complaint when you realize this is the backbone of feminism…)
And, I was not saying women aren’t responsible for what happens as a result.
Understand: I work with men. And besides for the (increasing) female eavesdroppers, I am speaking to men.
Ergo, I am going to tell men to take responsibility in any way they can for outcomes.
There are two reasons for this.
The first is practical.
You can only control what you can control, therefore it is all you should focus on.
Yes, you should acknowledge other causes to understand the full picture of the situation, but ultimately if you were responsible for even only 1% of the problem… you must take responsibility for that 1%.
I will talk more about this in the context of relationships for another time, but the point is — it doesn’t matter how much women are to blame for an outcome, so long as we play a role in the outcome too.
We can only shift our part to make things better.
And maybe if we start to shift our part women will do the same (believe it or not, there is a large cadre of women who want exactly this).
But men taking responsibility is not just about practicality. Or framing.
It’s about biological truths.
If you accept the premise that women change their behavior to attract top-tier, “alpha” men, then you must also accept that female behavior is fundamentally in control of the alpha men.
I wrote about this a year ago in The Way Forward, and people with memories will recall it was this series of posts that put me on Rollo’s shit list — ultimately leading to my block.
The reason for this, and the fact that his only method of responding to me now is teenage insults and gay buzzwords, is because Rollo knows in a debate of ideas he’s fucked.
Because his own ideas undermine his actual argument on how men should behave.
The reason society has collapsed on a macro level is because the highest level men decided to get rid of social norms.
GK Chesterton predicted this in the 1920s, with a quote (I will bastardize it) — but it was basically like “the real threat to the West isn’t coming from Soviet Russia, but from Manhattan and London, where the elite has finished being responsible and want to have their fun.”
“Alphas” and social leaders (but I repeat myself) decided rather than enforce social norms and morality, they would indulge in promiscuity and libertinism.
It was a decision that started the process of cultural degradation you see today — a process that hit full speed in the 1960s with feminism… and has hit its nadir today.
Now, I’m not naive. And I don’t doubt salacious things went on in the elite in the past. In fact, I am certain of it.
But it was always frowned upon, even within the class… and kept secret.
It was never encouraged on a broader level.
If some in the elite indulged, they were forced to do it clandestinely so as to not upset the macro social norms.
Today it’s the opposite.
Being a slut is applauded. Sex is everywhere. Restraint is mocked.
But make no mistake — women didn’t start this movement.
The men who ran society did.
People have talked about feminism as one big social shit test men failed. And there is truth to this.
But it’s more accurate that “Alpha” men that told the rest of society how to behave decided to drop the ball. Part of this for their own self-gratification, and perhaps part of it out of spite — both for their more responsible parents, and the masses themselves.
Regardless of the reasons, however, it happened.
Men who could set the standards, let standards lapse.
Which is why I don’t have any fucking time for this “bu-bu-buh hypergamy” bullshit.
It’s just weak stuff weak men say. The frame is that of a victim — women control sex, so the only way to get it is to game them.
It is the identical mindset of a nice guy beta.
Understand — you cannot spend your days talking about the evils and dangers of women and not be completely in their thrall.
It is psychologically the same as the guy who takes the opportunity whenever he’s with friends to complain about how bad is ex was, how she hurt him, years after they broke up.It’s pathetic. It’s weak.
Get the fuck over it.
So now that we have that context out of the way… I want to get personal, and explain why I have the perspectives I have.
Because I was a bad person.
I didn’t realize this at the time, mind you. I thought I was being good. I thought I was just having fun, and making women feel special.
But the truth was I was using them.
When I was at the peak of my single life, I was dating 4 girls at the same time, and still meeting new ones out in about for flings.
Some “players” are good at letting girls know the score.
He’s a hot, charming guy. She’s looking for some no-strings-attached fun.
They hook up that night, and then maybe again. So what? It’s just sex.
But I wasn’t good at “just sex.”
At least, relatively speaking.
When I hooked girls, I hooked them hard.
I didn’t just want their bodies, I wanted their hearts.
I wanted women to feel loved and special… I wanted them to feel excited and alive… And I told myself I wanted to do this because I was an exquisite lover, who was gifting them with an experience they would treasure years later.
But the truth was, I wanted to be the person who gave them this experience because I wanted the validation of their desire and my power over them.
I was giving in order to gain control.
Understand, I never told these women I wanted anything serious with them. Indeed — I would often explicitly tell them the opposite.
But I would subcommunicate something different.
To the point that my words no longer mattered, what mattered was how I treated them.
One girl in particular stands out when I think of this. Because while it’s one thing to lead a girl on for a couple of weeks… to lead one on for 11 months is a crime.
And yet I did this.Even when I knew the girl loved me, I did it anyway.
It didn’t matter that I “tried” to end things with her three times before, but backed out when the inevitable sexual coercion pulled me back in.
I had the control. And I chose to self-gratify instead of doing the right thing.
It was a mistake I almost made with my wife.
She woke me up. Because once she realized I was “playing it loose” despite the intense experiences we were having together, and deep attraction, she made me choose.
She loved me — indeed, I was the one who first verbalized that we had crossed that threshold — but wasn’t going to accept anything less than full commitment to that love.
It wasn’t enough to play passion.
We had to live it.
So I decided to go all in and never looked back.
I know some of you will use this as evidence that it is the woman who ultimately needs to make boundaries with these things. And I wouldn’t disagree.
But what I did damaged trust in my relationship that took time to heal.
And I no question damaged the other girl, who spent years contacting me after — even after I had been married.
The point of all of this is simple.
Attraction is a power, and you need to use it responsibly.
Many of the girls I dated for months — we reached a point where we had had fun, but were able to admit we weren’t compatible. So we wished each other well — often taking a break from seeing each other and then becoming friends. These were good Tier 2 relationships.
But in others, the girl was in the market for a boyfriend and I was stringing her along… enjoying the perks of the role without the responsibilities. These were bad ones, at least for her.
I was wasting her time, but most importantly, her emotional bandwidth.
And I know in many of these cases, the girl afterwords either settled quickly for a guy who she too used (a “beta bux”)… or went on a “slut spree” to regain some semblance of self-esteem.
So when I talk about ethical seduction, this is what I mean.
Be honest with women, but not only in words, but in deeds.
Which means not giving her the wrong signals, or seducing when she is not at the right level to play.
And when she’s too emotionally compromised to make that choice for herself, make it for her.
Don’t pluck the flower when someone else will cherish and protect it.
No, you can’t guarantee someone else will.
But the easiest way to do good is to stop doing harm.
Maybe brothers and fathers would have prevented this in the past, but as a man with the power – perhaps you can teach her something this men did not.
One last thing before we close this beast of an email off.
I find a lot of guys don’t understand when I’m talking about when I mention this responsibility in seduction because, frankly, they haven’t had anything substantial with a woman.
They have been engaging a woman on a purely biological level, getting her “wet,” fucking her physically… but not psychologically.
If you have only managed that with women of course you won’t know what I’m talking about, because you can’t make a woman love you biologically. She only does that for her children.
So if biological attraction is all you have, then hypergamy is indeed your master… and a woman’s love might as well be written off.
But things change when you learn how to read women on a deep level, figure out their wounds, vulnerabilities, needs… and then become one of the rare people who use all that information to accept and heal them.
Things change when you penetrate the psychological barriers.
You start to make her fall in love.
Hard.Physical desire is important because it will make her want to open up to you. And moreover make her care that you care.
(Which is why I am about the Three Pillars of Attraction — psychological AND biological attraction — not one or the other.)
Biology sets the foundation.
But psychology is where the building comes into form.
If you don’t know how to do the latter, don’t be surprised you don’t have a view.
Anyway, if you want help constructing these skyscrapers with women I’m just an application away.
But note the work is serious, and requires ownership — not victimhood.
We’ll be honest about everything going on, and about the women you meet.
But the real place we’re honest about is you.
And though the problems aren’t always pretty… the results always transformational.
Apply here: www.patstedman.com/application