So as should be common knowledge if you’re on this list by now, masculinity and femininity are downstream of universal “sex impulses,” and determine the sexual polarity in a relationship.

And it should also be clear that there are different personalities, and some get along better than others (both individually, and structurally).

But there is a deeper thing that the best relationships — the ones that really endure — are based on.

Things that just can’t be compromised on.

You see, a relationship without polarity isn’t going to passionate. But you can bring that passion back. Every man, and every woman, is capable of masculinity and femininity. It is a natural expression of our chromosomes.

Similarly, while some personalities tend to have a natural resonance, any two personality types can get along. It just takes patience, understanding, and acceptance of how the other type operates (read: maturity).

But values are a different beast.Understand, vision and views are great. If you and your woman see eye-to-eye on where you want to go, and if you guys have identical views on things, you’re going to have an easier time getting along.

But vision and views are derivative of values. Values determine what is important to you in life. People can be deceived based on circumstance into having a certain view, or can be too myopic to have a deeper vision. But if you share the same values you can build on anything.

People will often ask when I say this stuff what sort of “values” do you mean.

I’m not talking so much about the cultural veneer. Although that can be important too, in a different way.

I mean what is really important in building a relationship.

Does family matter to you? Do traditions? What do you think about monogamy? Are you loyal, or opportunistic?

Many values are not expressed, they are inferred. Ask someone if they will cheat and almost everyone will say no. Deep inside however you can tell how much, if at all, that matters to someone.

The key to all of this is discernment.

Because values are found fundamentally in someone’s soul.

I could take this email more surface level, and I’m tempted to. Because for once I’m not certain if I’m really making it clear…

If a woman has the soul of an artist and you’re a corporate businessman at heart, chances are you are just not going to resonate on certain levels. The circles she is going to want to be in will be diametrically opposed to yours.

If she wants to move every few years, and you want to ground yourself and build, you’re not going to have a base to grow on. If she believes in social justice, and you’re a hard-core genetic determinist you don’t just have different beliefs, you have different filters on the world.

If time with family, and holidays, mean everything to you, and they don’t matter at all to her, then you’re not going to be able to build together.

If you want kids and she wants none, then you don’t have a future.

People hate talking about values because they ruin a good thing. You can have some powerful chemistry with someone, and want to make it work as a result.

But values are everything at the end.

No, two people will never feel the same way about everything.

But the more core things you believe in, the stronger your relationship will be.

Because whenever something gets bad, whenever you fight, you’ll know you’re both on the same team, going the same direction.

Values reinforce bonds every step of the way, only deepening with time.

People who know their values know this. They know you can’t compromise on them, because to compromise on values is to compromise on your self.

But what if you don’t know your values? What if you don’t know what’s important to you?

Then your discernment will be off. Because your ability to see your values in other people is contingent upon knowing them in yourself.

Which is one of the reasons I do deep work with my clients to figure them out.

The truth is, dating aside, if you don’t know what’s important for you you’ll be lost.

You can’t find something you’re not looking for.

Culture, validation, insecurity all cover up our own voice. Our own desires. Our own beliefs.

But it’s there.

And I’ll help you find it.

Both for your sake, and the sake of your future relationships.

Apply to work with me here:

– Pat