Yesterday I talked a bit on Twitter about an interesting topic for men: sexual shame.
I don’t mention sexual shame very often, which is strange really, since it’s a cornerstone piece of the work I do with my coaching clients.
But I want to explore it a bit today — not only because it’s a key piece of the most recent article I’ve written, but because I think it touches on something deeper.
Something everybody talks about but doesn’t seem to fully understand.
“Alpha” vs “Beta”
(I despise these terms being quite honest, but it’s tough to find words that sum up behavioral differences as simply)
There are many components to what makes a man an Alpha with women instead of a Beta. A big factor many have talked about is making sure your behavior is oriented around you, not your woman. This is on the money to be sure, but it’s only part of the puzzle.
The truth is there are many men who are self-absorbed beyond belief yet do not sexually attract women. And it’s not necessarily because their game sucks. It’s something deeper.
Their relationship to sex.
I know this because I know guys who are complete disasters in life: depressed, self-destructive, low self-esteem. The anti-thesis of what you’d expect an “alpha” to be.
But when it comes to women, they clean up.
No shame around sex.
And the reason that’s important because shame is discomfort, and discomfort is contagious. Suppressing it doesn’t work; it finds a way out in dissonant behavior which is a turn-off.
But if you have no shame around sex? The opposite occurs. When you are completely comfortable sexually, women feel that way around you too… which is in incredibly powerful at getting them to open up (literally).
Goldmund — whose work you must check out if you haven’t already — epitomizes this ethos. While he knows game, this is his trump card — he’s done the inner work to rid himself of any shame (which includes neediness) around female sexuality.
He wants women, he knows women. And so, he gets women.
I send out a lot of stuff but I really want you guys to internalize today’s lesson. It’s legitimately one of the most important ones I’ve put out.
If you have shame around sleeping with women, you are going to struggle with them.
I guarantee it.
Which brings us to the finale of today’s message.
It’s a travesty the media tries to portray all guys as evil women-harassers, but the truth is sexual predators do have one thing in common with most men: enormous amounts of sexual shame.
(Read: The Good Side of Shame)
I break down the full sexual predator psychology as well as assess the current culture in my newest post, The Bridge Between Nice Guys And Sexual Predators.
It’s in final edits and out tomorrow, so get excited.
And finally, if YOU have problems with sexual shame, do not bury it under the carpet. Work with me, or work with someone, to get it addressed and processed.
If you’re struggling with women today, I guarantee it’s the main reason.It doesn’t matter how many blogs you read or women you talk to, it will remain there sabotaging you until you get it sorted out.
Until next time,