There’s a viral tweet going around. A guy is standing outside a woman’s window with flowers. Pure rom-com material and that’s why it took off. 

The comments are filled with women saying “I want this!”

But here’s what they’re not telling you: they only want this from a guy they’re already attracted to.

I commented on it with the following:

     “Only works if you already like him first. 

     Comfort amplifies desire it doesn’t create it.”
Men try to build attraction through displays of affection, not realizing that without desire first, these gestures feel suffocating rather than sweet. This explains why so many men’s romantic gestures fall flat.

A few years ago, one of my clients bought a girl flowers on their second date.

It was a great move by him that expressed his interest in a genuine way and moved the relationship forward.

Fast forward to today and they’re now married. Those flowers my client bought? They’re dried and framed in their house now. 

So should you do the same? 

Not necessarily.

The flowers were only well-received because:

  • They’d already kissed on the first date (desire)
  • There had been strong chemistry (desire) 
  • It had been a while since he’d seen her (desire)

They would’ve ended up in the trash if he’d bought them too early. You may have a similar story yourself and be thinking that flowers are never a good idea (or are always a good idea). 

That ignores the fact that context matters more than action.

The flowers amplified her existing attraction. They didn’t create it.

I did something similar myself many years ago with my wife. We had only had one date at that point, but we had kissed, and were even talking about going on a trip with each other. We were messaging frequently; the romantic interest was strong.

So when I sent her the flowers on Valentine’s Day, she swooned. (Especially because it took effort – I didn’t know her address and had to get it from one of her friends, so it was a total surprise). I didn’t do this to get her to like me – I knew she already liked me. But I knew the  flowers would make her feel more safe in her feelings, because she would know her feelings were reciprocated. The flowers weren’t to show her I was a desirable man; they were to let her know a desirable man also desired her. They were there to create trust, and provide comfort.

Successful relationships depend on this mix of comfort and desire.

Some men focus entirely on comfort – being nice, thoughtful, generous. They wonder why women see them as “just friends.”

Others chase pure desire – being mysterious, aloof, challenging. They get initial attraction but can’t maintain relationships.

The sweet spot? Understanding when to amplify which element. Knowing both the art and science of cultivating both tension and trust.

That’s what I teach my clients. Not just what to do, but when to do it. Because timing transforms a creepy gesture into a romantic one.

The comfort-desire paradigm provides a framework men can use to assess their relationships. In my extensive experience, it can explain most dating failures.

However, knowing you’re low on desire is different from knowing how to build desire. The same with comfort. 

To get a woman to want you enough that you can pull this off, you need to pay attention to both sides. That’s what I teach.

Want to learn how to nail this balance?